Newsletter #7 - Gang Membership

I have been thinking about gangs. I happen to know there has been a dramatic increase in gang involvement throughout the state. People used to think that gangs were inner city phenomena. Not true. Although we know gang membership comes with a price. Truth is the benefits quite often outweigh the negative accoutrements. Gangs offer acceptance. Once you are in you are in. Gang members like you just the way you are.

Gangs offer a clear sense of belonging. You not only are accepted in the gang you are considered one of us. I always liked the song in Oliver where the family dances around and sings, “Consider yourself at home. Consider yourself part of the family." A gang does that with balloons and whistles. Gang members wonder where you are, how you are, and when you will be back. Another song from Oliver does that well too. “You can go, but come back soon.”

Gangs offer fun. Events are planned together with great care and structure. Gangs have clear rules and limits. Everyone knows what is expected. Everyone knows how to behave and what outfit should be worn. Gangs provide members a sense of power and they model good gang behavior. Gangs move well in unison. Gang members have spoken eloquently about feeling emotionally safe when other gang members are around. Too often a sense of isolation and loneliness seeps in to one’s bone marrow. Gangs help alleviate that depression. Gangs assure a member that you are important enough to be part of the group.

From what I have read, the best way to extinguish the power innate to a gang is to get rid of the gang leadership. Get rid of the ones who make the rules, model the behavior, and assure all members they are needed, valued and significant. Without the leaders, members wander disconnected.

Licensed parent educators share strategies with parents to assure that family members belong, are clear on rules and limits, and are accepted for who and how they are. Good parent education is about family connections at the kitchen table and being intentional about routines and rituals. Louis Gonzales, Ph.D. said, “Gangs tend to be less attractive to a child who gets those needs met at home. The family has to be the better gang.” Children that live in a home with parents who understand their leadership role, provide reassurance, acceptance and emotional sustenance for all, will be happy to spend time in the family room. Good parent education really encourages parents to be strong and persistent gang leaders.

Newsletter #6 - Fickle Friendships

I received an amaryllis as a gift this year. I have been watching it for months. For those unfamiliar with an amaryllis, they arrive in a pot of dirt and don’t look like much. They continue to look poorly for quite awhile. Ever so slowly, a green shoot emerges. With some drama, the shoot becomes a towering stalk. Usually there are four or five amazing trumpet shaped flowers. My amaryllis was spectacular. The colors were bright reds striped with a white. Another bulb had burnt orange flowers that added breathtaking color to the quiet clay pot in which it was housed. I had it in the kitchen window where it literally received ohs and ahs from family members. I could sit at the kitchen table and almost watch the blossoms unfurl. I came home one day from work and the flowers trumpeted a welcome. I remember gasping at how busy the flower had been in my absence. I was so impressed with the amaryllis I took pictures of it.

It has been a couple of months now. The tired blooms have drooped. Although one more stalk is going to bloom, the excitement, the fervor has waned. As I look at the amaryllis, I noted some friendships are just like it. Some friendships don’t look like much at first, and then suddenly there is rush of color, laughter, shared moments and celebrations. Some friendships feel so special that they expunge a quiet loneliness often present in my everyday. Yet, too often they wither. Too often just like the amaryllis, the splash of color disappears and I have been left with a sense of abandonment that accompanies the ending of relationships.

I don’t understand friendships very well. I will say the wild ride of the amaryllis sure is fun…For me, I do better with philodendron type relationships that survive. I have two philodendrons that just keep on keeping on. They seem happy to be watered, but don’t get crabby if I miss a week. They are quiet and provide a lush green to some of the corners of our home. I never come home to see how it is doing. It just does. Dr. Doris Kreisman says. “To have a true friendship, you have to do more than exchange cards or call each other once a year. There has to be some continued support and attention: otherwise the relationship is a sentimental attachment rather than a true friendship." Friendships can not be just once a year valentines—once a year splashy moments. I certainly have been attached to my amaryllis, but I know it will eventually return to not looking like much. Philodendron friendships may not look like much, but they aren’t fickle or quick to fade. The fiery reds and oranges live in memory, but it is the quiet green philodendrons that endure and sustain.

Newsletter #5 - Emerging Butterflies

I believe many lessons are learned during difficult times. I often have said during times of turmoil, “My, we are going to learn from this.” We learn from frustration and pain. Without struggle we become weak, unsure and eventually without clarity of vision.

A fine illustration comes from a story told by Catherine Feste who wrote the book The Physician Within. The story is about a man who raised butterflies as a hobby. He was so touched by the difficulties they had in emerging from the cocoon that once, out of mistaken kindness, he split a cocoon with his thumbnail so that the tine inmate could escape without a struggle. That butterfly was never able to use its wings.

When Heather graduated, the 3,000 who attended commencement cheered, smiled, and congratulated their own butterflies. As Heather strode confidently across the stage, I remembered the years she had shoved against us, checking to see if we really meant “no.” I recalled saying “We don’t do it that way. Our value system will not allow that to happen. It is our way to have conversations during dinner not stare at a screen. It is our way to lift a candle at dinner even if it isn’t Thanksgiving.” We have spent a million hours holding steady. We have disagreed, shouted, cried and hugged. We have always avoided silence. We kept saying “We believe in you. We are here for you. We cannot let that happen. Not until you finish your chores. You will be responsible for that debt. Not until your homework is finished. We realize others don’t have to…but you do.”

Parenting is a constant reevaluation of the ever-changing cocoon. Children emerge from many cocoons as they age. The parent’s job is to pay attention to each stage and cherish the ever-changing flight patterns. Many of us at the graduation were wearing freshly starched shirts covering up our well-used, well-worn cocoon structures. Our children were glorious in their flight, however.

To contact Ada here.

Newsletter #4 - Personal coaching for muddled teens?

A Star Tribune headline caught my eye. –Personal coaching for muddled teens?

Parents who are worried about struggling teens can hire a personal coach to ease the adolescent journey. This I am sure is a new and burgeoning job opportunity. Although the qualifications are unclear, I imagine some are at their wits end, and such a hireling could appear to be an answer. I am skeptical however. I don’t know that a personal trainer can help a struggling adolescent who is need of inner assurance, inner self direction and inner acceptance. I do know that such strengths emerge when a personal trainer is a part of child’s growing up. I watched a father walk his child into the Family Center this morning. They were holding hands as they gingerly crossed the icy tundra of our parking lot. I think if asked, he would have said, he was his daughter’s personal trainer and coach. When Elizabeth was young, she heard about a young girl who received $1000 to buy clothes for school. The mother had encouraged her to bring back a few hundred dollars. Elizabeth was thrilled. I told her to forget it. She had me. Together we would figure out the maze of school shopping. Through the years, I kept showing up. I needed to know how she came and went from school events. I attended all of the school conferences with her. She didn’t like that much. I told her I had to go as it was in my parent job description. I needed to meet the young men picking her up on a Friday night. I needed to have her attend family events. I needed both children to attend Family Meetings and participate in our family work. They hoped I would tire of this. I did. My children got in the way of my life. I however kept showing up. Truth was they were teaching me about life.

Parents need to be there for their children from the beginning. Parents are "strong"at home teachers "strong" coaches and personal trainers. Parents need to help children learn how to follow instructions, deal with frustration, trial and error. Home, according to Harriet Beecher Stowe, is the back room, the learning rehearsal place for much of life’s front stage events. Home is where winning and losing are practiced. Home is where lessons about I love you no matter what and care, persistence and loyalty are modeled. At the table in the home, teaching thank you and please is what a parent personal trainer does. In the home, room clean up, homework finishing and birthday parties are a part of family living. The home is the work out room- the training center for the rest of your life.

Good parent coaches talk about clear expectations, and assure routines are part of everyday. Good parent coaches encourage their children in the face of both success and failure. An available top-notch trainer as a child is growing up establishes a positive climate where children feel warmth, acceptance and support. Mark Swiggum, an excellent teacher, believes the most important piece of furniture in the home should be a round wooden table with enough chairs for every family member to sit. This is the table where discussions about the tough stuff occur. This is the table where prayers, I love you and I am scared can be shared. The more time spent around such a table, the less time would be needed in the yellow pages trying to find a personal coach for a muddled teenager. Children who sit at tables with caring adults believe they are not alone. A personal trainer arrived the day they were born and signed up for the long haul. Now that should be every child’s birthright. No outsider need apply.

Newsletter #3 - A Quilting Class for Memories

Probably the most difficult job for parents is to keep the home’s rituals and routines ongoing. These routines need to happen all week long for young children. Routines that happen only on Monday and Tuesday aren’t routines. Children need something in their life that is constant. Children thrive when there are some things they can count on. Children who live without routine or rituals struggle with change and experience stress. Routines can be an every night bedtime story, sitting in the same chairs at dinner, a 5 minute chat, dinner with the television off and a kiss goodnight. Consistent guidance in the form of bedtime, mealtime, naptime and clean up routines act as an anchor point in a child’s ever changing world. A parent’s job is to keep and maintain these routines. A parent provides care, answers questions, manages the house, enforces limits and cares about family members. A child’s job is to learn, ask questions, keep on trying, follow the rules, communicate needs and listen. Parents and children routinely need to hug, laugh, and assure one another they belong and are loved. Learning and following the home routines will help a child grow up with an inner sense of security. A parent’s job is to be friendly with their child. It is not to be their child’s friend.


What science tells us is that nurturing and stable relationships with caring adults are essential to healthy human development beginning from birth. Early secure attachments contribute to the growth of a broad range of competencies, including a love of learning, a comfortable sense of oneself, positive social skills, and multiple successful relationships at later ages, and a sophisticated understanding of emotions, commitment, morality, and other aspects of human relationships.

Ruth Reardon’s poem is a helpful things to do list for parents:
CREATE A QUILT OF MEMORIES
to keep me warm.
An inner warmth that comes
from light of happy times.
Weave in the thread of holidays,
of friends and families…
Delights of seashore, fields,
of city parks.
The simplest happenings
traced out in love
become a pattern,
for my quilt of memories.

We learn how to drive cars before a license is issued. Professionals are trained to cut hair, repair cars, provide medical care, and teach school. Brick layers work years as an apprentice and computer wizards attend many sessions to learn about upgrades and software application. Let’s recognize the importance of being available to our children. Children need adults in their lives. Children do not need stuff.

Newsletter #2 - Fall Resolutions

New Year resolutions can be any time. I believe fall is a fine time to plan to make a change. Fall always feels like change to me. I have always moved internally and believed September is a time for reevaluation. January never has felt like a beginning to me. Maybe it is too cold in January to begin? September is a time for school, new socks, and new colors and new connecting. Calendars fill up with new schedules, rakes come out of the rafters and festive foliage replaces mosquito repellant. This fall I would hope each of us is able to make emotional connections with those whose pictures are on the mantel. Too often people we care about are just that.... pictures on the mantel-or in the family album. I wonder how well we connect with one another as family members on a daily basis. In a movie I saw this summer the actress said, “It does not take more energy to be pleasant. Being kind is not more difficult that being crabby. I believe we need to value family stories, family discussions and shared events.

This summer, I attended family gatherings where people clutched at memories and pictures of a suddenly dead loved one. A young woman had been snuffed from their lives by a drunken driver. No one had time to say good by. Life is short. Life is to be celebrated. Life should not be one of "regrets"and "I wish I had saids." This fall--- take time to build memories, take time for hugs, and spend time with those whose pictures are on the mantel.

Parent Question: Now that school has started, our bedtime routine is unclear. During the summer there was no need for a bedtime ritual. Now our mornings are rushed and quite often filled with unhappy faces and angry words.

Ada's Response: Children thrive when parents implement clear and predictable procedures. Children learn over time that wearing a seat belt is always required. Applying a similar approach to bedtime procedures will ease school day tensions. Parents need to take a leadership role and determine a bed time routine that is followed during the school week. The routine needs to be consistent. Select a way that it is always done and stick to it. At our house, teeth were brushed, a story was read and children were put in bed. A regular bedtime routine also includes a time one needs to get up to prepare for school. Purchase a clock for the child to learn how to get up. Be sure there is enough time in the morning for “Have a good day in school.” I would recommend every morning saying to your child, “I love being your mom.” “I love being your dad.” Avoid sending your child to school running on emotional empty.

Newsletter #1 - Don’t Let the Summer Slip By

Kids only spend 9% of their time in school. But they can spend 100% of their time learning.
University of Minnesota

For children the teachings of their parents will always be the core.Pestalozzi

Summer arrives as a tasty package. Watermelons, peaches, apricots, and ice cream cones cheer it. Summer is lemonade and sandwiches. When my children were young, we used to have lunch under a grape arbor in our yard. I believe there was one summer that we did that almost every day. They still talk about that elegant lunch location. Walks in the summer should be required. Walks in neighborhoods and near by parks allow time for discovery and conversations. Summer is a good time for family sharing in family work. Such experiences teach belonging and promote a sense of competence. Consider a calendar for June, July, and August where the family carefully charts out "fun" moments. Trips to local gardens, parks, specialty bakeries, the zoo, the Farmer's Market will brighten a child's eyes. More importantly, such trips will stick in your memory. I would spend all summer avoiding anything that ran with a battery, was plugged in or needed a power pack.

A recent newspaper article stated that children are spending an average of 4 1/2 hours each day sitting in front of electronic screens in their homes absorbing television, games and computer programming. The proliferation of new media continues to transform the environment in American homes. I am reminded of Bill Moyers who said our children are being raised by appliances. I don't believe this flood of technology provides adequate skills for children who need to experience empathy, connecting with others, and the core values of respect, integrity, and responsibility. Someday, when your children are tall and planning their own calendars, as a parent you'll catch yourself wondering where did the time go? How did they get so tall? How did the time flash by? Catch moments like beads on a necklace. Celebrate this time without mittens and heavy jackets. This summer be an involved and connected parent. Children who spend time with their parents have higher grades, better school attendance, fewer placements in special education and more positive attitudes and behaviors. The family makes critical contributions to student achievement from early childhood through high school. Gently unwrap the lovely hours of summer 2005. Don't let it slip by.

Parent Question: We have two boys 6 and 8. My husband would like to buy them a PlayStation and a kid’s cell phone. How can I talk him out of this? I am concerned about too much technology.

Ada 's Response : Your question has many layers. I share your too much technology concern. However, I am not sure what too much is. My too much might be someone else's too little. Given the age of your children, I believe I would implement a teaching opportunity. Your children are the right age to practice decision making, learn money management, and develop at home leadership skills. Regular family meetings with clear agendas that include money management discussions and clarification of the “Anderson- or Sanchez or Smith Way" would establish time for necessary conversations about needs and wants. Allowances are to teach money management. Children today are not learning dollar and cents skills. They are being raised with a plastic card - charge it attitude. Allowances based on learning, not on chores done, teach spending, saving and item selection. Children eventually learn to save items they want. It is too quick and easy to buy stuff for our children ignoring the lesson opportunity.
In my book, Parenting on Purpose: Red Yellow Green Framework for Respectful Discipline I spend quite a bit of time on family meetings. I believe the "Anderson- Smith - _______Way" comprise the Red and Green guidelines for your family. Within those parameters, discussions about what is too much technology etc. could be clarified.

It is not unusual for parents to disagree. What is needed is time for parents to clarify needs and wants. We had important conversations about money and selective purchasing. Why does your husband feel your children need PlayStations and cell phones? Discussions about buying, spending, and saving are critical at the kitchen table. Developing these skills during the elementary years assures better decision making and problem solving during adolescence. Why Parents Disagree is a helpful book. Consumer Reports for Kids is a helpful magazine. I do know your children are the right age for family meetings. I do know having such discussions and regular meetings promotes communication, connection and a sense of belonging.