Ada Speaks - Parenting on Purpose

January - Out with the Old - In with the New

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 20:00:00 +0000

January heralds a new year, new resolutions and a new outlook. I tossed the wreath and stashed the holiday decorations with ease. I went through all of the holiday cardsone more time before tossing them out. Some of the cards are from people I only hear from during December. Our lives the other 11 months don’t seem to get on the radar. I don’t get that. Truth is it feels to me that the cards are a perfunctory action. Sometimes long letters are attached. Why? A once a year hello feels more like a “have to” than a “want to.” It is like flossing once a year before visiting the dentist. Flossing regularly, staying in touch regularly I think matter. Those once a year cards are easy to recycle.

My old running shoes too need to go. I am a careful aging runner. I know how important good running shoes are. I watch my mileage and strap on new shoes every 300 miles. This pair, though tired, is difficult to discard. These shoes have been regulars for three months. They are predictable, reliable and travel well. These shoes have been to Morocco and Tunisia in December. They accompanied me on my birthday in Marrakech which means Running Away in Arabic. Isnʼt that fun? Marrakech is known as the city of roses. My birthday morning I ran the main avenue that is lined with roses wishing everyone a “Bonjour!” I have sand from the Sahara in my shoes. These shoes were with me when I loped through cities that were built before Christ was born. Rarely did I see runners and certainly not women. The gate keepers at the hotels would smile, shake their heads and watch as my flashlight and I disappeared down the road. I often would run to town liking to watch the store keepers prepare for the day. I like watching a city wake up. My runs are “peeping Ada” through the neighborhood. Other days I would greet the day on an empty road watching the sun rise over the desert, barely able to breathe because of the beauty - the quiet and wonder.

Both Morocco and Tunisia are Muslim countries with long histories and traditions. Coffee is usually served at the table in heated pitchers with accompanying heated milk. After every morning run, I would wander into the dining area, sweaty and smiling. In my best Arabic I thanked well dressed waiters as I took two cups of coffee, one with milk, and headed for the hotel room. The waiters dressed in pressed shirts and pants would look curiously at the panting woman who kept smiling and saying “Bonjour.” More often than not, my running shoes have been my constant companion on many adventures. I love the stories that are part of the dirt, the sand, and worn soles of these shoes. I guess that is why some holiday cards are easy to throw away. They too are notabout shared stories. They might as well be addressed to occupant.

Rocks Mark The Spot

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:12:00 +0000

January brings change. Our Sunday dinner is different in 2010. My family
comes to Sunday dinner. I celebrate the Sundays we share by noting the
change in our candle supply. I always think it is a positive sign when
I need to purchase more candles for the dining room table. This January
Abigail Mae, soon to be one, has joined us at the table. Where to put
her high chair changed the seating arrangement. Jack(9), Charlie(6),
Alison (5) and Ella(3) were consulted regarding my dilemma. Originally
I had considered moving places in a way that made sense to me. However
upon reflection, I remembered how important it was to Charlie where he
sat. I remember how worried he was when Alison wasn’t seated next to
him. I remembered how much Jack liked sitting next to grandpa. Jack and Charlie use special knives at their place settings. They are fancyhandled knives that we inherited from my husband’s mother. Alison and Ella
like smaller water glasses. Our daughters and their families have resulted in our using all of the table inserts on Sunday. I give thanks every time I grab a table cloth and napkins. I also thought about the many parenting stories about sharing power and teaching problem solving.

I asked the four older grandchildren to please solve the seating
arrangement riddle. The four of them disappeared requesting paper and
crayons. While making the salad, I heard involved conversations. The
children asked their parents for suggestions and input. Eventually I
was presented with a carefully drawn diagram of our table and where each
person was to sit. In addition, every family member signed his or her
name, approving change. The chart was given to me so that when I set
the table for the next Sunday dinner, I would be able to make the
appropriate changes. To add to the wonder, during our Thanksgiving
dinner celebrated at a resort on the north shore, the children had
painted small rocks with everyone’s name to help guide seating. The
rocks came home with us. They too have become part of the ritual.
Indeed some of the “ Alden Way” is a place for everyone and everyone
has a place.

This Sunday, we celebrated my husband’s birthday. The table was
carefully set following the diagram. Charlie likes putting the rock
place holders on the table to be sure there is no confusion. As I
looked around the table noting everyone seated in his or her designated
spot, I knew about blessing, grateful and a sense of inner peace. Long
after the table had been cleared and the bird shaped birthday cake had
been cut during a joyful round of “Happy Birthday” the children
continued to sit at the table participating in the conversation. Alison
leaned over and said, “ Grandma, we are growing up.”

We are all aging. We also know where at our dining room table there is
a special place for everyone. At our dining room table, we know about
belonging. At our house, a rock marks the spot.

Family Work Works

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:15:00 +0000

The flyer arrived in my mail box. Bold lettering read, “Life’s too short to clean your own home.” The flyer includes a long list of tasks that will be done correctly. I noticed I have missed some key areas in my cleaning regime. Jean Illsley Clarke states. “The chores are the grist from which character and confidence are built.” Giving children chores or household tasks provides the ways means, and virtues of behaving responsibly. Children learn to appreciate the complexities of household tasks by being a participant not just an observer. Making beds, dumping trash, clearing the table and folding clothes teaches self help skills. Farm families have always known the importance of everyone sharing in the farm and family work. It is about belonging, connecting and being valued. During a lecture series in Fargo, a young boy came up to me and said how much he liked it when the Red River floods. “ My parents always say they need me to come to the river and fill sand bags. I like to be needed.” Household responsibilities teach children they too can contribute. Children learn that work is essential to physical and emotional development. Knowing how to do basic tasks teaches self-esteem and confidence.

Adults who have been overindulged according to Jean Clarke’s research, had parents who did not expect them to do chores. They had parents who did everything for the child and did not enforce rules, gave children too much freedom and let the child dominate the family. I recently worked with the staff of a private college who were worried that their own children would be like the college freshmen they observed in their daily work lives. They watched college students unable to handle money, attend classes, complete homework, or complete basic day to day living skills. I reviewed with them the importance of having children involved in family work. Dr. Marty Rossmann from the University of Minnesota, believes chores teach responsibility and set a child up for success in adult life.

Recently a reporter at the Wall Street Journal wrote about his need to spend time with his son. He hired someone to clean so time with his son would be treasured. A later column focused on the importance of spending time with his son doing the chores together. Messages about belonging emerge when a schedule of chores for all family members is created. Paying attention to child growth and development still allows for everyone to have a place and a responsibility. One years are very eager to help. Don’t miss the chance to teach how chores are to be done and create a system that includes chore rotation. Last Sunday, my friend told me her son was off to college. He was ready. He had done well academically, and knew how to cook, do laundry and keep a house tidy. He felt confident and prepared. Such skills are probably more important than high ACT scores.

Jay Walljasper says, “The state of our society and the health of our environment is built upon a foundation of small everyday events.” Children need to see adults problem solving, staying focused on the task of family living and paying attention to one another in civil and thoughtful ways. Life is too short not to include all family members in home cleaning, home enjoying and home play. A parent’s job is to prepare the child for the path and not prepare the path for the child. Child preparation includes broom, vacuum, dust rag, dish towel and laundry soap use. Child preparation is being included in small everyday events. Share the broom!

Lessons From Slovenly Peter

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 17:09:00 +0000

In an old trunk I found a copy of Slovenly Peter I received on my 4th birthday. It was carefully inscribed, “ Happy Birthday! WE LOVE YOU! Mommy and Daddy.” I must have been a difficult child who needed strong strict guidance. The drawings and stories are dramatic and by today’s standards abusive. Clearly parenting through fear was encouraged. I looked at the pictures shocked how quickly their realities rushed back. I have carried the illustrations around for years in my mind’s eye…still familiar and still too scary. All of the illustrations were in black and white, dramatic and shocking.

Slovenly Peter stands with dirty hair and hands. He never cut his nails and his appearance is disgusting. My German mother was sure I was bathed everyday, was well scrubbed and probably never wrinkled. I remember knowing early that no slovenly was welcome in our home. Cruel Frederick was wicked. He caught flies and removed their wings. Frederick also killed birds, broke chairs and threw kittens down the stairs. He even whipped his nurse and his dog. Pauline played with matches and eventually caught fire. The drawing of her clothes burning was indeed dramatic. None of the stuff would have received a G rating.

Conrad sucked his thumb. His mother left him for the afternoon and the great tall tailor cut his thumb off with large sharp scissors. The lesson was clear. Don’t suck your thumb, as violent acts would follow. Other dastardly children’s deeds are addressed such as Frank the Liar and the Cry-Baby who eventually went blind. The Cry-Baby picture shows her trying to find her way as her eyeballs have fallen from her sockets and are down on he ground. The poem urges young children to rise and try to be cheerful everyday and avoid the terrible experience of your eyeballs falling out. My father often told me to go to my room and come out smiling. I am sure I did. I was learning how to behave at four. Peter was quite a teacher.

My father gave me other books that were amazing with wonderful illustrations. Robert Louis Stevenson, Rudyard Kipling, and Victor Hugo were authors with which I was well familiar. My father understood great authors, the importance of books and the power of language. He had no idea how to parent, however. He had no idea that a four year old needed to be been heard -not shushed. He had no idea that a four year old needed reassurance - not threats. Slovenly Peter was the only “you better behave parenting” book he could find. I didn’t like Peter and his gang of thugs and scribbled all over the cover.

I read recently that illusions are the truth we live by until we know better. We now know children need to be raised gently. We know that little ones ache to belong, to be loved and to be valued. The Chinese say that fear and love cannot eat off of the same plate. Children raised with fear view the world differently then those raised with love. How fortunate for my children that Slovenly Peter was replaced by Mr. Rogers.

Important To Show Up

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:03:00 +0000

I know events are ripe with opportunities to learn life lessons. I am a student and continue to learn.

The Saturday walk was both aimless and meandering through a quiet neighborhood. The walk wasn’t about exercise but listening and connecting with my friend as she shared her struggle. Her 27-year-old son had moved home. He was no longer able to care for himself as AIDS ravaged his body. The latest medical report revealed the deterioration of the brain stem. Her son was having trouble walking. His speech had changed and he could not remember messages. Her son had come home to die.

A few weeks later, dear friends in California called. They were both in their late 80’s. Their daughter, age 62, had died. “We lost our baby,” they wept. “It is not supposed to be this way. We are not supposed to bury our Joy.” Children are supposed to outlive their parents. I think Cele and Duane’s future dimmed permanently after they buried their daughter.

Monday, a child came running up to me. “It’s my birthday on Sunday. I will be 12. I am so excited.” The mother walked up to me. “We have planned a happy time at the local amusement park. The babysitter has planned prizes and has tickets for all of the rides.” I commented on how that was going to be a busy day. The mother said, “I won’t be able to attend the birthday party. I have a meeting. The meeting has been scheduled for quite awhile and getting these people together is so difficult. I was shocked. “It is her birthday. I believe she thinks being 12 is significant.” I think children think parents should attend birthday parties.

I remember overhearing a conversation at an airport. An elegantly attired couple, were astonished that the school social worker had contacted them. Their son had told the school staff that there is never anyone home. The social worker was investigating. The affluent parents were quite annoyed. They explained quite loudly, “The nanny has been there ever since he came home from the hospital. “ I really think the 5th grader meant what he had said. There wasn’t anyone home.

Last week I spent 5 days in the Intensive Care Unit of Fairview Southdale Hospital. I occupied the same chair in the family lounge, became acquainted with many nurses, and walked many halls carrying my five-month-old grand daughter.

Intensive Care Family Lounge

One waits.
One paces.
One watches a slow moving clock.

Continue to breathe.
Continue to hope.
Continue to bear witness.

At the end of the fifth day, our son in law was released with a hopeful prognosis. I left late in the afternoon, noticing how someone else had quietly taken ownership of my chair.

The life lesson is simple. I thought of my friends and their tears. I know that feeling of “empty.” I believe attending birthday parties, soccer games, Sunday dinners, picnics and garage cleaning Saturdays matter. I believe there is great value in showing up and being present. Take time to be with those you cherish. Take time to be accountable – and to be counted.

Have you noticed how many have time to show up at a funeral whatever time or day it is held? Snatch now moments - now moments matter.

A Child's Perspective Matters

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Tue, 05 May 2009 19:36:00 +0000

Children have a big job. They need to teach adults important life lessons. Children have a different view – a whole other mindscape. During a family vacation, two-year-old Ella carefully wrapped her stuffed bear in a blanket, grabbed a small doll and headed down a path through the woods. Ella’s parents are observant and quickly chased her down. Her father explained to Ella she was not to leave the cabin alone. Ella looked at her father and then at her stuffed bear and doll. “ I wasn’t alone Daddy. I had two friends with me.”

The adoring grandparents live in Minneapolis. The grandson lives in Oregon. With great regularity, using a spiffy technological gadget, the grandparents can have lengthy conversations with the grandson via computer. The little boy sits in front of the computer, able to look and talk at length with his grandma and grandpa. The grandparents can see their grandson on their computer. Recently grandma flew to Oregon in need of a face to face meeting and long awaited hugs. As she walked into the home, her grandson came running. “Mommy! Mommy! Someone let grandma out of the box. Grandpa lives there alone now.”

A few Sundays ago Jack cleared things up for me. We often go on adventure walks. A pond near our home is filled with turtles, frogs, ducks, and bugs. Jack and I like to snoop around the pond after Sunday dinner. I take my grandmother role quite seriously. I was busy explaining important scientific truths. I talked about the water coming down the gutter. We then followed the water down the side of the street and observed how it would flow into the pond. We crawled around the large concrete pipe through which the water flows. We always carry plastic bags to clean up any trash before it gets to the pond. I talked about ducks and migration and ecology. I told Jack everything important from a grandmother’s perspective.

That’s when Jack picked up a long stick that had dropped from a nearby tree. “ Grandma,” he said. “I need this stick. I am going to catch clouds with it.”
The rest of the walk we talked about clouds and what unusual shapes they had. The rest of the walk Jack shared what he saw with me.

Brian Andreas said, “ Most people don’t know there are angels whose only job is to make sure you don’t get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life.” I think children are those angels. Listen to children. Be sure to stay tuned.

Tether to Self - Survival Tip for Mental Health

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 23:11:00 +0000

Tether Use and Awareness – Survival Tip for Mental Health

There was a time when farmers in the Midwest would attach a tether from their homes to their barns. There were many stories about farmers who after caring for their livestock, could not find the way to their own homes due to blizzards. Farmers have been known to wander off lost in their own backyards, confused by whiteouts and howling winds. The tether provided a sure connection to kitchen, to home and to warmth.

Blizzards can be defined in other terms. Although we are welcoming spring, a different kind of blizzard permeates my daily life. Stories of economic injustice, global warming, senator selection hearings, layoffs, slashed school budgets, and horrific stories of war, famine and personal agony fill the news. My blizzard includes dozens of flyers encouraging me to purchase stuff that is REALLY on sale. I have friends who are struggling with chemotherapy treatments, discourteous adult children and poorly functioning appliances. As I drive the expressway, drivers who appear to have lost their way in their own blizzards frighten me. They drive without an awareness of speed limits, other vehicles or rules of the road. They are clearly confused in some whiteout. Bank presidents, corporate executives, politicians, athletes and even some people in my neighborhood appear confused, lost and in need of a tether.

Leonard Cohen said it best. “The blizzard of the world has crossed the threshold and it has overturned the order of the soul.”

I realized last Sunday that my tether to the inner me is found by running. Neighbors have often asked how I was doing. I recall answering, “ I will be better in a few more miles.” There is truth to that. Running helps me remind me who I am. I also remember who I want to be. Recently daily tether runs are required. As I lope quietly listening to my shoes hit the path, listening to my breath, I know I am hanging on to the tether that connects me to my soul. It is a quiet, safe place just like the farmers kitchen hearth.

Animals Know- Children Know Too

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 04:08:00 +0000

Hoteliers built Mfuwe Lodge in Zambia on an elephant herd’s annual migration path. The path leads to an appetizing mango grove. Although the hotel is elegant with brick columns, high ceilings and exotic blooms, ten elephants regularly walk through the main lobby sometimes four times a day for a mango munch. The elephants know where food is available and contractor blue prints ignored these travelers and their trunks.

People who dislike cats are the destination for cats when entering a crowded room. Cats know. I rode a horse on a trail ride when I was eight. I had begged for the opportunity since I had read every book about horses in our local library. Three minutes into the ride, I was terrified. I only liked horses described in paragraphs. The horse broke free from the orderly horse line, and bounded across an empty field. Petrified I hung on. The horse knew...

I recall the day I returned home late, weary, and grumpy. Sam, our golden retriever, and I had a regular routine. Usually, I came home at an ok time, strapped on my running shoes and Sam and I would take off. We would lope through the neighborhoods. On the evening I returned home so late, Sam had pushed open the hall closet, and removed a running shoe and placed it in the middle of the dining room floor. He had taken my second running shoe and placed it downstairs in the middle of the family room. He had selected my running shoes from tennis shoes, boots, and other running shoes that belong to other family members. The dog knew.

Why is it if animals are so smart we believe that children don’t get it? We need to believe that they can think, be competent, and learn to problem solve. We need to start trusting them early. When it comes to brains and ability I never met a kid that wasn’t smarter than any dog. I have never met a child who wasn’t more in need of attention than any cat. Children are capable. Why do we continue to discount them? Children thrive when they are trusted, encouraged to make decisions, and reassured with a consistent structure of rules and limits. Too often adults focus on filling toy chests, buying more videos or outsourcing their role as parent. Taking time to refuel the spirit provides energy and hope for the adventure of growing up. Present parents are daily presents in a child’s life. Children know.

Parenting Is Challenging Today

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 20:39:00 +0000

James Garbarino in his book, Parents Under Siege provides strong evidence documenting today’s challenges. Parents today need to worry about managing their children’s access to the Internet. Many parents have told me their 8 year old had connected with someone on a Chat Line and planned a meeting at the Mall of America. We as parents need to evaluate the seriousness of children’s TV viewing. Leaving children home at all is of concern to researchers. Now we learn some of the intrigue may be on the television. What is that private plug in tutor teaching our children? What is the language modeled? Are the relationships depicted the sort that we as parents hope for our children? What about the clothes suggested most suitable?

Parents are living with children who are the target audience for 40,000 televisions commercials per year. They are “constantly responding to children who are in league with advertisers whose main interest in them is as consumers, and who are shameless in exploiting their naiveté.”

Parents have stiff competition when it comes to modeling the core values of respect, care and character. We live in “a culture that hammers home the message that our self-worth depends on the cars we drive, the clothes we wear, and the ski resort, private island, or fun park we visit on vacation. “

During parent education seminars, I encourage parents to ask families where their children visit, if guns are available. Today we all deal with “the threat of guns and bombs being used against children and teenagers in schools and community” Parents need to manage boundaries both in the home and the neighborhood.

Children cannot be raised by remote control. They need strong parental supervision coupled with clear expectations of and responsibilities to one and another I believe it was a famous one liner in HIll Street Blues that fits. Be careful out there. That old adage continues to be true today. What has changed is the out there.

Birthdays Matter

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 21:33:00 +0000

A birthday celebration really focuses on one individual and provides evidence that in this complicated world the person is cherished. A birthday is the anniversary of a person’s birth and marks the passage of time in a life. Birthdays really are a celebration of life.

Henri Nouwen said it best. “Celebrating a birthday is exalting life and being glad for it. On a birthday we do not say: “ Thanks for what you did, or said, or accomplished.” No, we say: “ Thank you for being born and being among us.”… Celebrating a birthday reminds us of the goodness of life, and in this spirit we really need to celebrate people’s birthdays every day.”

I teach an undergraduate class at a local University. During a complicated conversation focused on family systems, a student mentioned how much she disliked sharing birthdays with her sister who was born in the same week of the same month although years apart. “We always had a shared birthday!” Everyone agreed on the importance of ”own birthday” recognition. I don’t think it is the gifts or decorated cakes that drive the disappointment when the celebration is shared. What is significant is having a moment on that special day that separates you out and assures you matter. I believe a half sandwich with a flag on top would be welcomed when it conveys the recognition, celebration and awareness that on that special day you are noticed. Even twins have told me, they prefer separate cupcakes or separate cookies.

Truth is young and old alike flourish when everyday someone says I care for you. Truth is there is hope when everyday someone says you are important. I am glad you are here. A birthday hurrah heralds and assures your presence is noticed. I believe long after the sparkle, the candle glow and song of celebration, a birthday celebration lives quietly in memory bringing a smile and an inner glow for the 364 days that follow.

Calendar Chaos

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 21:21:00 +0000

It is January. I am already anxious. I read a helpful guide written by Martha Stewart. I keep articles that will provide guidance and a calming influence. First, she recommended taking January off to prepare your personal calendar. Now that is heady goal setting! Planning for 2009 is not something to be taken lightly. Planning the schedule for the year will “eliminate confusion, double booking or forgetting key experiences.” She had my attention. One should schedule dog cuts, hair cuts, nail cuts, lawn cuts, driveway repair, rock repair, garden cleanup and fertilizing --- to name but a few. Dinners, theater seats, and special events will assure a happy year. Doctor appointments, check ups, bike repair, shoe repair, utility repair, all done in advance -- look, no worries. Martha's planning is impressive.

I am afraid it is too late for me. No wonder I am anxious. My washing machine breaks down totally disregarding the scheduled visit from the repairperson. My kids never needed a physician on a planned visit. They always threw up early Friday evening when the only thing on the calendar was a babysitter. My calendar was often under the direction of soccer coaches, bandleaders, quick trips to the orthodontist when the wires broke, emergency grocery store runs, sudden snowstorms, neighbors needing a ride and teacher conferences.

Maybe that is why Martha can do this calendar stuff. It is her calendar, her schedule, and her life. My 2009 calendar is a gala of events- a cafeteria of experiences, hastily scribbled-- brightly colored--- and sometimes realigned with White Out. My calendar is a diary--- an adventure that every week writes its own story. With wisdom, courage, and hope I look at January. I look forward to the dramatic changes, the unknowns, snatched moments with loved ones, and the good sense to celebrate the ordinary. Hey Martha--- hang on to your hat. Someone said, “ Don’t plan too far ahead. Plan for surprises!”
Let's enjoy the ride.

Summer Farewell

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 15:35:00 +0000

Change – Rituals and Routines = Stress

I know that “Rituals” and “Routines” provide solace and emotional scaffolding during times of stress and change. I tell parents regularly how important it is to be steady, stable and consistent. I know it gives children comfort. I need to practice what I preach. November is clearly a month of change. I might add October was no slouch. I too need comfort, consistency and safe haven.

I have spent this spring and summer running past gardens, through tree-lined paths and along country roads. I remember catching sight of the first daffodils and cheered as leaves exploded on trees around the pond. I admired tomatoes, pumpkins, beans and squash in our neighbor’s yard that had an electric fence surrounding their produce to keep marauding rabbits out. No wonder rabbits feasted on our blooms. We are electric fence free. I met a five-year-old waiting for a bus with her father who was quite excited about her lost tooth, a newly found maggot and a bunny she spotted in the bushes.

Sometime in April or May I wrote an article entitled, “Don’t Let This Summer Slip By!” I didn’t. I was mindful about warm days, amazing sunsets and enjoyed fresh produce from the Farmer’s Market. I purposely lingered when we were on family vacation, trying to stash all the memories in a special place to be recalled during the below zero chills of January. I remember being so grateful so many times this past summer when my family all sat at the dining room table for Sunday dinner. I took mental snapshots holding the moments as sacred.

I have no intention of letting this fall slip by. The leaves gently seem to wave farewell as they carpet our grass with bright yellows and reds. I even heard some say, “Thanks for the memories!”

Advice shared by Pilar Gerasimo is, “ In times of high anxiety and frustration, before desperately grasping for solutions not yet within your reach, focus on fully applying the solutions you already have at your disposal.” I intend to use my head, hands and feet. The leaves are raked. The gutters are cleared. I have spent time emptying my terra cotta pots and stored them in the garage. I am as careful with my pots as I am with holiday ornaments, I might add. I have found my running tights, hats, and gloves. I even found the light I wear strapped to my head for protection in the too dark early morning runs. I guess I am ready. I will recall the memories carefully stashed in my memory bank. I will keep my routines and my rituals that help me stay connected to my inner compass. I think the change and stress that is disturbing is the speed with which my life seems to be whirling by. The calendar pages are quickly turning. I know taking time to enjoy each day is encouraged. “Stay in the moment” highly respected experts say. I am a slow runner. I think my routine of running everyday is hoping to slow the pace – hoping to take a moment to savor the lovely time I have in such a high speed – fast tracked seasonal switch that we call life in Minnesota.

Home Is Where The Learning Begins

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 14:34:00 +0000

Last month, I taught a parenting session for staff at a local college. As parents they were concerned that their own children might exhibit the behavior they were observing in the freshman class at their work site. College students appeared ill equipped for the decision-making, self-discipline or self-responsibility skills necessary to succeed on the college campus. The staff are keen observers and wanted parenting suggestions so that their own children would be better equipped for academic success when they were college bound.

Farm families have always known the importance of everyone of all ages helping out. Life lessons and skills are learned everyday. We need to move that learning into our city lives. Being responsible gives a child a sense of pride. Providing opportunities to be helpful is part of a parent’s job description. Giving children chores or household tasks provides the ways, means, and virtues of behaving responsibly.

Between the ages of two and three, children can pick up their toys. They will still need help and reminders but establishing a regular toy pick up time helps them learn about routines. Perhaps just before dinner parents and children can sing a clean up song while together they did the family work. Good childcare centers have done this for years.

Between ages three and four, children can undress and dress themselves with a little help. Having children select their own clothes helps develop a sense of I am capable. It is often fun to have the child wear a sign that says, “I dressed myself!” This also diminishes confusion experienced by other adults when the two year old always wears the ballet dress. Assisting in the kitchen is important and fun. Not only is responsibility developed, children learn nutritional facts. They can put the napkins on the table, put vegetables into a salad or stir ingredients in the bowl.

Between ages four and five, children can bring in the mail or the paper. They can practice self-care by brushing their teeth, using soap and water, and brushing their hair. Getting up to an alarm clock, putting clothes in the laundry and returning clean clothes to correct drawers all provide a sense of accomplishment. Children also like spreading peanut butter on bread, assisting in making tacos, and adding ingredients to the hot dish. Building on these skills as children age is smart family management. It is helpful to create a schedule of chores that all family members perform creating a system that includes chore rotation with everyone contributing to well being of the family. Everyone matters is the message that matters.

I wonder if those first year college students had parents who did not expect them to do chores and did too much for them? I wonder if those college students had parents who did not enforce rules and let the children run the household? Jean Clarke teaches that chores are the grist from which character and confidence are built. Both of my daughters did well in college. They also are skilled with vacuum cleaners, mops, dust clothes and snow shovels. They know how to care for tackle boxes, wax skis and change tires. Home is where the learning begins.

Platypus Politics

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:50:00 +0000

The Wiradjuri people from New South Wales share a story that often comes to mind when I hear about which group matters, which doesn’t and who will carry us in the coming elections. The story relates how very early the animals, the water creatures and the birds were all vying for what they thought was the top position. Each group was sure they were the ones who deserved special attention, notoriety and accolades.

The birds decided to invite the platypus. She belongs with us cried the birds. She lays eggs and has a bill like a duck. The platypus graciously declined. She did say she would think about it.

The animals held a meeting. The kangaroo thought it would be wise to invite the platypus. She is different in many ways but she runs and is covered with fur. She should join the animals. The platypus liked the attention, but decided to think about it.

The big fish chaired the meeting of all the water creatures. Inviting he platypus was on the agenda. The platypus is one of us. She has webbed feet and is a fine swimmer. The platypus smiled and decided to think about it.

The platypus went for guidance from the spiny echidna. “ Don’t join any group,” she advised. The platypus wrote to everyone. You are all my friends. I understand birds, as you must too keep eggs warm. I know about water creatures because I too like to dive to the depths and explore. I feel a connection to those who run on the land and are covered with fur. I am grateful that a little of me is like all of you.

I like the idea that the platypus is similar to many and also unique and separate. Too much energy is spent on determining who is on top. Truth is we are all in this together. The platypus knew that.

Our political pundits would be wise to ponder the wisdom of the platypus. “Platypus thinking” is focused on shared connections, shared outcomes, and the need for a shared future. Such conversations bring to mind decisions based on a moral compass not on who matters most or what differences are significant. It is the connections - the parts that are alike that resonant with our shared need for tomorrows, survival and hope.

Neighbors - We've Got Trouble Right Here!

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:21:00 +0000

There is evidence that our community is in trouble. I believe we better start paying attention to what some might consider “small stuff.”

Daily I pick up bottles and cans tossed along the roadside. I always run with a plastic bag that is usually full by the time I return home. Drivers and their passengers have decided someone else is in charge of trash pick up. I am reminded of the high school kids I queried as to why they threw their trash on the floor in the cafeteria although large canisters were three feet from the lunchroom tables. With out missing a bite a young man looked surprised and said, “That is why we have janitors.” Yesterday I played tennis at one of our public courts. Tennis players leave cans, bottles and plastic containers everywhere. I don’t recall any such debris at Wimbledon. The ever present number of plastic cans and bottles convey a message to commuters and park users that we don’t care. What does one more can or bottle matter anyway?

Far more alarming is the increase of graffiti. Our back fences, roadways, street signs, sidewalks, running paths and electric boxes have become canvases for some disturbing artwork. My daughter taught me long ago, that such small scribbles indicate conversations between gang members or “gang wanna-bes.” On one of my running routes there is hot and heavy talk going on between those using red paint and those answering in white. By ignoring such commentary, we are saying, “You are welcome here. It is OK to paint our town.” By ignoring the painted scribbles, we are saying, “Write what ever you like. We are too busy to stop, to care, to cover it up.”

Early this morning I ran along an old railroad track in Minnetonka. In the tunnel located under Highway 101 someone has covered all of the grafitti with gray paint. The message is clear. We will not tolerate such language…such conversations… here. Stop the conversations. Paint over the gang language. Pick up the cans and bottles. Stop the trashing both in talk and in stuff. This isn’t small stuff. This stuff oozes and erodes.

Woods and Meadows - A Life Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:30:00 +0000

My family has experienced some difficult medical situations during the last few weeks. My friends know about my struggle and worry and have provided support, care and gentle reassurance. During a conversation my friend’s question was clear and probing. “Are you out of the woods yet?” I quickly answered, "I don’t think you are ever out of the woods." I had never made that statement before. Perhaps when I was younger I believed eventually troubles would end and clear skies and no more woods would result. I am older and wiser now. I have learned that life is made up of a variety of woods – a variety of challenges or tough situations. During moments of peace or tranquility I now know the woods are still on the horizon. I do believe however, that there are amazing snatched moments found in the meadows located in the woods. I think the meadows are of different sizes and shapes. They can be surprises or planned events – regardless, meadows should not be ignored but celebrated.

I have spent many days thinking about this meadow thought of mine. I have read books encouraging one to stay in the present. Many pundits trumpet ‘Be focused in the now.’ I even heard a monk in Thailand tell me to listen to my breath and hear the moment – hear the present – let everything else go. Well frankly, I can’t do that. I need something else to pull me to an awareness that now is to be cherished. I need something else to remind me that at a given moment in the woods there is a clearing deserving attention.

I am reading a book about aging artfully. One of the core concepts is the necessity of exercise. “Vigorous activity of mind and muscle is the secret of better aging,” states Sherwin B. Nuland professor of surgery at Yale. Couch potatoes beware! Nuland encourages thinking and moving. The time running is a meadow in my mind. I get to forget about my worries and put one foot in front of the other. Running with friends regardless of the weather is a meadow. On Sundays we talk about politics, religion, gas prices and public education. Dr. Nuland would like the fact that our minds and feet are moving as we age artfully. We are multi tasking! Meadows are snatched cups of tea, a lovely voice singing on the radio, or any moment that provides comfort, solace and a sense of ease.

Recently life events have been difficult. Recently I have had many say, “It isn’t fair.” I don’t think life is about fair. It is about paying attention to paths through the woods and not missing the meadows whenever they occur. As we head into spring, I will be looking for meadows – looking for those moments where I feel safe, emotionally calm and not in need of armor.

Year Round Valentine

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:16:00 +0000

The request came from a colleague who too is a parent educator. Write about the need and the importance of cherishing children. Write about the importance of saying “no” to children. Write about children and their understanding of words like justice, freedom, liberty, and integrity. Children should not be growing up “pumping bullets into someone else.” Too many newspaper articles and too many lead news stories focus on the explosive results, which occur when children, guns and violence collide. Why is it that stoplights are constructed at dangerous corners only after a pedestrian is hit? Policemen, parents, shop owners are killed. What is happening to our children?

Actually we have known for years what kids need. Attachment theory assures that secure parent-child relationships influence how children interact with and react to parents and to others. Securely attached children are more responsive, caring, and competent in their interactions with others. Rejected children avoid or resist their parents and experience rejection by their peers. Rejection leads to loneliness and an inner sense of personal dissatisfaction. When there is no attachment, children feel threatened which can be detrimental to their self-esteem and interpersonal relations. It is this isolation that leads one to connect with guns as a reliable support.

When people aren’t there for you, when people don’t believe and care about you, the abandonment can lead to outbursts of anger, rage, and violence. We know that the ultimate power of the powerless is disruption. Nothing is emptier than feeling without power, without value, without purpose. Carrying a weapon is a form of protection against the inside feeling of “I’m no good.” What each child needs is the knowledge, that I am someone’s valentine every day of the year. What each child needs is the assurance I do not have to grow up alone. It is in the dark corners of abandonment and isolation fear slowly festers into rage and violence.

Recipe for Family Success

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 20:55:00 +0000

I was asked to share my favorite recipe to be included in a good by book for a colleague. Although happy to be asked, I am not the best one for recipes.

In my dictionary, recipe is described as a formula for compounding a medicine, a formula for making a dish or a means prescribed for producing a desired result. The desired result definition is the one that fits for me. Although I enjoy good food, I am much more interested in the table and the people sharing the meal. I have eaten wonderful food with miserable people. I don't remember the food. I also have eaten OK food with wonderful people and recall such moments with smiles.

My family comes to Sunday dinner. I enjoy the time I take preparing for their arrival. My husband usually cooks wonderful things while I carefully set the table with a cloth, napkins and a candle. I believe the family dinner table is holy ground. Evidence of my personal success is measured by the number of times I need to replenish my candle supply. When Heather went off to college, she too lit a candle at dinner with her roommates. They wondered if it was Thanksgiving. Heather assured her friends; it is just the way her family had always done it. Candles and dinnertime were always connected. Tuna sandwiches by candlelight can be quite festive. Candles, quiet music and snatching the moment in our busy lives is a way to celebrate and yes even give thanks for time together. Having a special place at the table matters and teaches belonging. Family therapists talk about how families really are their meal times. Recent research indicates that girls who eat with dinners with their families are healthier and less overweight. I think time with family is what matters.

So many opportunities to talk and share are lost when mealtime is a drive by stuff the food in experience. Great food from amazing recipes eaten in front of a microwave is not a desired result. At our house, we all wait for everyone to be seated before we begin eating. I think it is the together stuff that constructs the emotional scaffolding necessary for family well being. The food nourishes not only our bodies but the time shared nourishes souls. Long after the dishes are done and the candle is snuffed out, these shared times are a recipe for strong connections and hopeful tomorrows.

Wall of Honor

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 19:28:00 +0000

I like visiting people in their homes. Where and how they live provides interesting insights into what is valued and significant. Usually my friends live in homes that represent them, their beliefs, and their sense of family. I have been to homes of acquaintances that too represent their values. I suspect someone clever carefully designed the interior to match a colorful magazine article or new trend. The houses were lovely but didn’t feel like a home to me. I think how and where people live is interesting. With that perspective, I have been studying my own living quarters.

We clearly have enough books. Books in my view never let you down. I learned early, answers could be found in books. I obviously have a lot of questions. I also believe keeping all the books is important. Truth is new carpeting would be smart. But the thought of moving all those books to make room for carpet is overwhelming

Family photographs of the children, their spouses and the grandchildren smile eagerly from every available surface throughout the house. We have photographs from all ages and stages. Nobody, not visitors, friends, delivery or repair folk, ever mention our books, our photographs and our meaningful clutter. Everyone notices our wall of honor.

In the garage, an entire wall is covered with running numbers carefully stapled in position. When we moved to our present house 16 years ago, my husband transferred the old numbers to the new wall. The numbers record miles of running and buckets of sweat. Interesting too is winning happened only once. There are father/ child runs when Donaldson’s was still a department store. Everyone got shirts that said “hurrah for dads.” My daughters now grown women with children of their own, recall with such fondness finishing while holding on to their father's always supportive hands. Another number has a black ribbon stapled to it. It was a race in honor of a woman executive that was murdered in a parking lot. Another was run simultaneously with thousands of other runners around the world promoting awareness of hunger. There are too many Race for the Cure numbers to count. There are too many sheets with too many names of women who have fought cancer with valor. Marathon numbers seem comfortable next to the many 10 K runs. I remember one during which my fingers turned blue because I was so cold. Some of the races I ran with my daughters grateful for the time-shared and pleasure of hearing our footsteps on the pavement. Clearly it is not about distance but about participating. It is not about winning but showing up.

Every time I park our car, I walk into the house past our wall of honor. Saving the numbers on the garage wall is a good idea. I wish I had put the dates on them. In our travels I have visited ancient sites where cave dwellers carved their stories into the rock walls. All who visit too can view our story. Our wall is evidence of shared laughter, tears, determination and sweat.

A

Juvenile behavior - Cause? Effect?

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 11:36:00 +0000

Juvenile delinquents -cause and effect?
By Dr. Ada Alden
There is serious trouble in the Pilanesberg National Park in northwestern South Africa. Rangers, for the last three years, have been distressed by the discovery killed white rhinos, about one a month. Imagine their surprise when they discovered the the same phenomenon was happening at Hluhluwe Umfolozi Park in the southeastern section of the country. Often the suspects are poachers grabbing the horns of the rhino for illegal sales around the world. This was however not the case as the animals were left intact- horns and all.

Using their best Nancy Drew -Sherlock Holmes methods, the rangers solved the mystery of the monthly murders. One of the first clues was that he wounds had been caused by long sharp objects not gunshots. The murderers were pachyderms- young, aggressive bull elephants that killed the rhinos by kneeling on them after knocking them down.

The curious theory behind these murders should give on reasons to think. Granted the theory is not proven -- but it is interesting. The elephants may be depraved. As young elephants, they were removed from their slaughtered parents during a culling operations in the Kruger National Park and relocated to establish elephant populations in parks and private reserves throughout the country. The good news was the populations of the elephants was preserved. The bad news may be that usually elephants are raised in tight knit groups and this close connection was severed. Since 1978, almost 1500 orphan calves, 600 of them males, have been moved to unfamiliar locations and raised with no exposure to adult elephants or the hierarchical social structure that defines elephant life. Marian Garai, a Swiss-born zoologist says that normally a dominant older male elephant is around to keep young bulls in line. The displaced calves have no role models. This may have had a profound effect on the elephants’ psychology.

Park rangers brought in two adult female circus elephants to the Pilanesberg Park and the young elephants settled down. Next year, a few 40 year old bull elephants will be moved to the area to add their wisdom and support. Now entire families of elephants are moved. No longer in the culling are the young separated from the parents.

There are lessons for us who are curious enough to pay attention. Maybe youngsters of all types need time with adults? Maybe it isn’t healthy to have three year olds guiding three year olds. Maybe too many 7th graders on their own is asking for trouble? Maybe with out clear guidelines and connections our young will run rampant through the South African park or the streets depending on your location. A recent Star Tribune article focused on the increasing numbers of children joining gangs. Authors David Chanen and Terry Collins ended the lengthy column by commenting on how parents are not taking an active interest in their children's lives. I believe it is Rollo May who said, when one’s sense of self worth and self esteem is threatened, individuals resort to acts of violence.

Two friends from Minnetonka High died in a terrible car crash recently. In the Star Tribune story by Tom Ford he stated that adults held hands and made a human circle around the students who were mourning for deaths. Both parents and students were grieving. However the adults seemed to have created a protective circle around the young. Generational connections can not be maintained and nurtured via instant messaging. .
Our future depends on adults who recognize the importance of being present, predictable and and accountable.

Running Lessons

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 11:10:00 +0000

Running Lessons

David Walsh, recently interviewed by Bill Moyers on public television, believes that children learn through observation and then they imitate what they’ve observed. He is often quoted by local media as a thoughtful and concerned physician worried about violence. Times are changing. Home, community, and societal values used to be synchronized as to what was best for children. If Walsh is right, we should consider what we are putting into our children's learning experiences. What are they observing? What does it mean to be a grown up? What messages are we sharing with children about being an adult? What are modeling regarding commitment and responsibility?

I have been surprised by the many lessons our children learned from their running mother. I remember training for my first marathon. Heather once said, “Mom when you leave for a long run you look like Kathryn Hepburn. But when you come back you look more like Henry Fonda.” My appearance change was the result of those long training runs that usually took all of Saturday morning. I remember going to grocery stores in the afternoon barely able to move the cart. Heather helped push the cart as I studied which bread and milk to purchase.

There were many evenings when I was the only parent home. I would have the girls turn on the front porch light and I would run up and down the street. If they needed me, I could easily be contacted by flicking the light. They often encouraged me to go for a run as my attitude improved after a few miles.

During their growing up years I found running a quiet place where I could realign my thinking. I could listen to my breathing and reconnect with the calm, mature mother I wanted to be. Trying to be an attentive able parent could on occasion result in an exhausted, too loud – too worried woman. Running helped me find inner peace. I have kept the following quote tucked safely in drawer for years

I congratulate the long distance runner for his self-discipline.
I share with him his loneliness. I envy him his peace. Pierre Trudeau

Trudeau was trying to run Canada at the time. I found running a household equally as challenging. I resonated to the use of loneliness, self-discipline, and peace. I know being the parent I wanted to be required self-discipline and was often lonely. Our daughters are fine able mothers today. They do a fine job raising four amazing grandchildren. I have noted however, they both run. They too have learned the value of taking time to “get away” and regroup. They need to become the mothers they want to be. They too are trying to create a home of connections, communication and commitment. They watched their mother struggle. They too are finding their way with running shoes, sweaty socks and sunblock. They too are learning life lessons on the road.

Jack's Run - Lesson in Courage and Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 02:28:00 +0000

Traditionally, grandchildren pick up life lessons from their grandparents.
This grandmother is learning the power of courage and hope from her beloved Jack.

My daughter visited Jack’s kindergarten to share a book, as she always does. The story is about Leo the Late Bloomer, a tiger that learns lessons and skills when Leo is ready to learn. Leo “blooms” with new skills and new understandings. Jack’s mother quietly discussed learning and blooming and understanding new connections. She encouraged the eager five and six year olds to consider how they had bloomed in their first year of school. Then she passed out pieces of paper cut in a tulip shape. The plan was for students to draw something he or she had learned in kindergarten creating a garden of all their tulips together displaying the kindergarten’s blooming successes.

Returning to their desks with the tulips, the little ones concentrated, heads bent over their illustrations, then returned to the reading circle to share the accomplishments they’d thought of. One little boy could write all the numbers from one to one hundred. Another could tie his own shoes. A girl had filled her tulip with neat addition problems like 2+2=4 and 3+3=6. A beaming child proudly displayed his tulip filled with all the letters of the alphabet. Then came Jack’s turn.

His drawing was complicated. It showed a boy in a hospital bed by an IV pole with tubes from the bag running to a port implanted in the boy’s chest. Next to the bed, a woman in a chair, wearing a purple sweater, was reading a book. Jack said, “This is me getting my infusion treatment every Monday. This is my mother next to me. She comes every Monday and reads to me. This year I learned courage.”

In 2005, Jack was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition, called Hunter Syndrome, or MPS II, one of the disorders of mucopolysaccharidosis that inhibits enzyme production and affects vital organs, nerves, bones, and such functions as respiration, hearing, and joint movement—scary stuff. Jack has been responding well to a new treatment that became available less than a year ago. Although no cure is known yet, Jack’s physical improvement is actually noticeable, and we’re hopeful.

Last year friends and family organized a wonderful event called “Jack’s Run” to raise awareness and funds for research.The second annual Jack’s Run, for the hundreds of children like Jack waiting for treatment and hoping for a cure, will be in Eden Prairie on September 22, 2007. Online registration for the run is at www.jacksrunformps.org. or contact aldenpope@msn.com for information.

Jack turned seven in June, and has taught his grandmother, and many others, some important grown-up lessons about courage, determination, and love of life. Regardless of the evidence, I’ve held fast to hope. Seeing the evidence changing feels like quite a blessing.

Toys Are Not Us

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 20:37:00 +0000

There seems to be rancor between adults who care for and about children. The battle lines are drawn about whether to play or not and what toys are helpful, harmful, unnecessary and or a must have. Elkind has written an interesting book about the Power of Play. He was concerned about toys long before the recent recall due to lead paint coatings. Children have always learned something from the toys with which they play. The lessons today are different. Toys use to teach manners, morals and social roles. Today toys are automated, micro chip or battery run. Industry analysts estimate that at least 75% of toys arriving for holiday consumption will have embedded computer chips. These are not toys that can be taken a part to comprehend the inner workings. Many are not toys with which a child does something. These toys seem to have lives of their own. Standord Univeristy students are equired to play with erector sets to learn how things work and are connected.

Toy play can encourage imaginative and fantasy play. I remember a cardboard box a fine teacher used in her classroom. One day the box was a train. Later in the week it morphed into an ocean liner. Children eagerly entered the classroom to discover what had happened to the large cardboard box over night. Wonderful interactions took place inside the ever-changing box. Today children have so many toys they barely have time to figure out the possibilities. Why so many? Toys use to arrive at holdays and on birthdays. The rest of the year was about playing with the toys one had and thinking about toys that might arrive under the tree months away. Now toys are everywhere. Museums, drugstores, grocery stores, restaurants, zoos, parks and convenience stores have a thriving toy section. Toys are part of movie and food promotion. Seems to me toys today are teaching consumerism and children are the target audience. Toys accompany films and fast food. What the characters do often determines what the child can do. I wonder about young children's plastic heroes. Do they know about picnics? Do they go to the library? What about family dinner? What are they teaching little ones about what to do with time?
Fantasy and imaginative play occurs in the early childhood years. Since children spend so much time in front of screens of some sort, there is little time for exercising their predisposition for fantasy, imagination, and creativity. These are the mental tools later required for higher levels of math and science.

A Parent Education Newsletter said it best!
Remember that play should:
Be controlled by the child
Paced by the child
Emphasize process rather than product
Be messy at times
Use mostly toys, which require 90% input from the child and 10% input from the toy.

The large cardboard box prepared children for physics, calculus and algebra. Children are learning all of the time. I think there is value in choosing toys that are not battery run or need a power source. Children learn about themselves and the world through their interactions with people and things. What lessons are you teaching with your toy puchase dollars?

Animal Truths Make Good Sense

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 19:36:00 +0000

People who dislike cats have told me that cats will come directly to them in a crowded room. Cats seem to know.

As a child, I rode a horse on a trail ride. I had read every book there ever was about horses. I had loved King of the Wind, Black Beauty, and Star. As I was on my first horse fulfilling every dream I had had as a child, I realized I was terrified. The horse broke free from the orderly horse line, and bounded across an empty field. I hung on swamped in my personal fear. The horse knew.

One day, I returned home quite late. I had left at 7:00 AM and managed to fill my day with complex job expectations. I finally got home weary and tired. Sam, our golden retriever, and I had a regular routine. Usually, I came home at an ok time, strapped on my running shoes and Sam and I would take off. We would lope through the neighborhoods. On the evening I returned home so late, Sam had not eaten dinner. He had pushed open the hall closet, and removed one of my running shoes and placed in the middle of the dining room floor. He had taken my second running shoe and placed in downstairs in the middle of the family room floor. In order to do this, he had selected from tennis shoes, boots, and other running shoes that belong to other family members. He chose mine to make a point. The dog knew.

Why is it if animals are so smart we believe that children don’t get it? Why do we not recognize they can and will thrive if assured that we as adults believe in them? Believe that they can think, be competent, and can be instrumental to determining the course of their lives. We need to start trusting them early. When it comes to brains and ability I never met a kid that wasn’t smarter then any dog. I have never met a child who wasn’t more in need of attention than any cat. I have never met a child who isn’t smart enough to sense there is something right or wrong here. Children are capable. Why do we continue to discount them? Children thrive when they are trusted, encouraged to make decisions, and reassured with a consistent structure of rules and limits. Children thrive when they are respected and valued as individuals. Too often adults focus on filling toy chests. Taking time to refuel the spirit provides energy and hope for the adventure of growing up.

Who's Responsible? Mr Rogers? Mom? Dad?

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 13:59:00 +0000

A lead article in the Wall Street Journal by Jeffrey Zaslow is entitled, “ Blame It on Mr. Rogers: Why Young Adults Feel So Entitled.” Blame, in my dictionary uses words like censure, find fault with and reproach as a definition. I found it to be a strong statement about Mr. Rogers. Zaslow writes about college students demanding A’s, and the rise of narcissism due to excessive doting resulting in too many children who are rude, self-absorbed or disrespectful. He complains about parents saying, “Well, they’re just children.” A child psychiatrist, Alvin Rosenfeld, is quoted as saying it is crucial to talk to kids about their lives, and that dialogue can enrich the whole family. Dr. Rosenfeld encourages parents to talk about their own lives as well.

I think that is exactly what Mr. Rogers did. Mr. Roger not only listened to children, he told them about his day, his friends, his plans, and his problems. He talked about courage, love and discipline. For many children, Mr. Rogers was the only adult who did communicate.

I agree that we have young adults who feel entitled. I have watched children who have parents who try to be their best friends instead of being a friendly adult in the lives of children. David Walsh has a new book out called “NO.” Copies are flying off the shelves. Parents are excited to have permission to say no to their children. Good news travels fast!

Mr. Rogers is not the culprit. Children need consistent, present and predictable adults in their lives. Mr. Rogers was all of that, but he was only present 30 minutes a day. Although his message was important time with Mr. Rogers was minimal compared to time children should have been spending with caring live adults in their homes. He was clear that what mattered in life were not honors or prizes, but being trusted. His lessons were based in positive core values, compassion, and care. His message was not about hurrahs for actions done. He liked children for being there… not because of what they did.

I miss the quiet man in a sweater. I miss his messages during difficult times. Our young adults today might have been better off if their parents had joined them while watching Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers told children that they were loved - no matter what. He did not tell them do what ever they wanted - no matter what. He never said expect everything to come your way - no matter what. Mr. Rogers was a longed for parent for many who had parents who were too busy to be present, to reassure, and be stewards of relationships that mattered.