Ada Speaks - Parenting on Purpose

Platypus Politics

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:50:00 +0000

The Wiradjuri people from New South Wales share a story that often comes to mind when I hear about which group matters, which doesn’t and who will carry us in the coming elections. The story relates how very early the animals, the water creatures and the birds were all vying for what they thought was the top position. Each group was sure they were the ones who deserved special attention, notoriety and accolades.

The birds decided to invite the platypus. She belongs with us cried the birds. She lays eggs and has a bill like a duck. The platypus graciously declined. She did say she would think about it.

The animals held a meeting. The kangaroo thought it would be wise to invite the platypus. She is different in many ways but she runs and is covered with fur. She should join the animals. The platypus liked the attention, but decided to think about it.

The big fish chaired the meeting of all the water creatures. Inviting he platypus was on the agenda. The platypus is one of us. She has webbed feet and is a fine swimmer. The platypus smiled and decided to think about it.

The platypus went for guidance from the spiny echidna. “ Don’t join any group,” she advised. The platypus wrote to everyone. You are all my friends. I understand birds, as you must too keep eggs warm. I know about water creatures because I too like to dive to the depths and explore. I feel a connection to those who run on the land and are covered with fur. I am grateful that a little of me is like all of you.

I like the idea that the platypus is similar to many and also unique and separate. Too much energy is spent on determining who is on top. Truth is we are all in this together. The platypus knew that.

Our political pundits would be wise to ponder the wisdom of the platypus. “Platypus thinking” is focused on shared connections, shared outcomes, and the need for a shared future. Such conversations bring to mind decisions based on a moral compass not on who matters most or what differences are significant. It is the connections - the parts that are alike that resonant with our shared need for tomorrows, survival and hope.

Neighbors - We've Got Trouble Right Here!

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 14:21:00 +0000

There is evidence that our community is in trouble. I believe we better start paying attention to what some might consider “small stuff.”

Daily I pick up bottles and cans tossed along the roadside. I always run with a plastic bag that is usually full by the time I return home. Drivers and their passengers have decided someone else is in charge of trash pick up. I am reminded of the high school kids I queried as to why they threw their trash on the floor in the cafeteria although large canisters were three feet from the lunchroom tables. With out missing a bite a young man looked surprised and said, “That is why we have janitors.” Yesterday I played tennis at one of our public courts. Tennis players leave cans, bottles and plastic containers everywhere. I don’t recall any such debris at Wimbledon. The ever present number of plastic cans and bottles convey a message to commuters and park users that we don’t care. What does one more can or bottle matter anyway?

Far more alarming is the increase of graffiti. Our back fences, roadways, street signs, sidewalks, running paths and electric boxes have become canvases for some disturbing artwork. My daughter taught me long ago, that such small scribbles indicate conversations between gang members or “gang wanna-bes.” On one of my running routes there is hot and heavy talk going on between those using red paint and those answering in white. By ignoring such commentary, we are saying, “You are welcome here. It is OK to paint our town.” By ignoring the painted scribbles, we are saying, “Write what ever you like. We are too busy to stop, to care, to cover it up.”

Early this morning I ran along an old railroad track in Minnetonka. In the tunnel located under Highway 101 someone has covered all of the grafitti with gray paint. The message is clear. We will not tolerate such language…such conversations… here. Stop the conversations. Paint over the gang language. Pick up the cans and bottles. Stop the trashing both in talk and in stuff. This isn’t small stuff. This stuff oozes and erodes.

Woods and Meadows - A Life Perspective

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 21:30:00 +0000

My family has experienced some difficult medical situations during the last few weeks. My friends know about my struggle and worry and have provided support, care and gentle reassurance. During a conversation my friend’s question was clear and probing. “Are you out of the woods yet?” I quickly answered, "I don’t think you are ever out of the woods." I had never made that statement before. Perhaps when I was younger I believed eventually troubles would end and clear skies and no more woods would result. I am older and wiser now. I have learned that life is made up of a variety of woods – a variety of challenges or tough situations. During moments of peace or tranquility I now know the woods are still on the horizon. I do believe however, that there are amazing snatched moments found in the meadows located in the woods. I think the meadows are of different sizes and shapes. They can be surprises or planned events – regardless, meadows should not be ignored but celebrated.

I have spent many days thinking about this meadow thought of mine. I have read books encouraging one to stay in the present. Many pundits trumpet ‘Be focused in the now.’ I even heard a monk in Thailand tell me to listen to my breath and hear the moment – hear the present – let everything else go. Well frankly, I can’t do that. I need something else to pull me to an awareness that now is to be cherished. I need something else to remind me that at a given moment in the woods there is a clearing deserving attention.

I am reading a book about aging artfully. One of the core concepts is the necessity of exercise. “Vigorous activity of mind and muscle is the secret of better aging,” states Sherwin B. Nuland professor of surgery at Yale. Couch potatoes beware! Nuland encourages thinking and moving. The time running is a meadow in my mind. I get to forget about my worries and put one foot in front of the other. Running with friends regardless of the weather is a meadow. On Sundays we talk about politics, religion, gas prices and public education. Dr. Nuland would like the fact that our minds and feet are moving as we age artfully. We are multi tasking! Meadows are snatched cups of tea, a lovely voice singing on the radio, or any moment that provides comfort, solace and a sense of ease.

Recently life events have been difficult. Recently I have had many say, “It isn’t fair.” I don’t think life is about fair. It is about paying attention to paths through the woods and not missing the meadows whenever they occur. As we head into spring, I will be looking for meadows – looking for those moments where I feel safe, emotionally calm and not in need of armor.

Year Round Valentine

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 21:16:00 +0000

The request came from a colleague who too is a parent educator. Write about the need and the importance of cherishing children. Write about the importance of saying “no” to children. Write about children and their understanding of words like justice, freedom, liberty, and integrity. Children should not be growing up “pumping bullets into someone else.” Too many newspaper articles and too many lead news stories focus on the explosive results, which occur when children, guns and violence collide. Why is it that stoplights are constructed at dangerous corners only after a pedestrian is hit? Policemen, parents, shop owners are killed. What is happening to our children?

Actually we have known for years what kids need. Attachment theory assures that secure parent-child relationships influence how children interact with and react to parents and to others. Securely attached children are more responsive, caring, and competent in their interactions with others. Rejected children avoid or resist their parents and experience rejection by their peers. Rejection leads to loneliness and an inner sense of personal dissatisfaction. When there is no attachment, children feel threatened which can be detrimental to their self-esteem and interpersonal relations. It is this isolation that leads one to connect with guns as a reliable support.

When people aren’t there for you, when people don’t believe and care about you, the abandonment can lead to outbursts of anger, rage, and violence. We know that the ultimate power of the powerless is disruption. Nothing is emptier than feeling without power, without value, without purpose. Carrying a weapon is a form of protection against the inside feeling of “I’m no good.” What each child needs is the knowledge, that I am someone’s valentine every day of the year. What each child needs is the assurance I do not have to grow up alone. It is in the dark corners of abandonment and isolation fear slowly festers into rage and violence.

Recipe for Family Success

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Sun, 13 Jan 2008 20:55:00 +0000

I was asked to share my favorite recipe to be included in a good by book for a colleague. Although happy to be asked, I am not the best one for recipes.

In my dictionary, recipe is described as a formula for compounding a medicine, a formula for making a dish or a means prescribed for producing a desired result. The desired result definition is the one that fits for me. Although I enjoy good food, I am much more interested in the table and the people sharing the meal. I have eaten wonderful food with miserable people. I don't remember the food. I also have eaten OK food with wonderful people and recall such moments with smiles.

My family comes to Sunday dinner. I enjoy the time I take preparing for their arrival. My husband usually cooks wonderful things while I carefully set the table with a cloth, napkins and a candle. I believe the family dinner table is holy ground. Evidence of my personal success is measured by the number of times I need to replenish my candle supply. When Heather went off to college, she too lit a candle at dinner with her roommates. They wondered if it was Thanksgiving. Heather assured her friends; it is just the way her family had always done it. Candles and dinnertime were always connected. Tuna sandwiches by candlelight can be quite festive. Candles, quiet music and snatching the moment in our busy lives is a way to celebrate and yes even give thanks for time together. Having a special place at the table matters and teaches belonging. Family therapists talk about how families really are their meal times. Recent research indicates that girls who eat with dinners with their families are healthier and less overweight. I think time with family is what matters.

So many opportunities to talk and share are lost when mealtime is a drive by stuff the food in experience. Great food from amazing recipes eaten in front of a microwave is not a desired result. At our house, we all wait for everyone to be seated before we begin eating. I think it is the together stuff that constructs the emotional scaffolding necessary for family well being. The food nourishes not only our bodies but the time shared nourishes souls. Long after the dishes are done and the candle is snuffed out, these shared times are a recipe for strong connections and hopeful tomorrows.

Wall of Honor

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 19:28:00 +0000

I like visiting people in their homes. Where and how they live provides interesting insights into what is valued and significant. Usually my friends live in homes that represent them, their beliefs, and their sense of family. I have been to homes of acquaintances that too represent their values. I suspect someone clever carefully designed the interior to match a colorful magazine article or new trend. The houses were lovely but didn’t feel like a home to me. I think how and where people live is interesting. With that perspective, I have been studying my own living quarters.

We clearly have enough books. Books in my view never let you down. I learned early, answers could be found in books. I obviously have a lot of questions. I also believe keeping all the books is important. Truth is new carpeting would be smart. But the thought of moving all those books to make room for carpet is overwhelming

Family photographs of the children, their spouses and the grandchildren smile eagerly from every available surface throughout the house. We have photographs from all ages and stages. Nobody, not visitors, friends, delivery or repair folk, ever mention our books, our photographs and our meaningful clutter. Everyone notices our wall of honor.

In the garage, an entire wall is covered with running numbers carefully stapled in position. When we moved to our present house 16 years ago, my husband transferred the old numbers to the new wall. The numbers record miles of running and buckets of sweat. Interesting too is winning happened only once. There are father/ child runs when Donaldson’s was still a department store. Everyone got shirts that said “hurrah for dads.” My daughters now grown women with children of their own, recall with such fondness finishing while holding on to their father's always supportive hands. Another number has a black ribbon stapled to it. It was a race in honor of a woman executive that was murdered in a parking lot. Another was run simultaneously with thousands of other runners around the world promoting awareness of hunger. There are too many Race for the Cure numbers to count. There are too many sheets with too many names of women who have fought cancer with valor. Marathon numbers seem comfortable next to the many 10 K runs. I remember one during which my fingers turned blue because I was so cold. Some of the races I ran with my daughters grateful for the time-shared and pleasure of hearing our footsteps on the pavement. Clearly it is not about distance but about participating. It is not about winning but showing up.

Every time I park our car, I walk into the house past our wall of honor. Saving the numbers on the garage wall is a good idea. I wish I had put the dates on them. In our travels I have visited ancient sites where cave dwellers carved their stories into the rock walls. All who visit too can view our story. Our wall is evidence of shared laughter, tears, determination and sweat.

A

Juvenile behavior - Cause? Effect?

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 11:36:00 +0000

Juvenile delinquents -cause and effect?
By Dr. Ada Alden
There is serious trouble in the Pilanesberg National Park in northwestern South Africa. Rangers, for the last three years, have been distressed by the discovery killed white rhinos, about one a month. Imagine their surprise when they discovered the the same phenomenon was happening at Hluhluwe Umfolozi Park in the southeastern section of the country. Often the suspects are poachers grabbing the horns of the rhino for illegal sales around the world. This was however not the case as the animals were left intact- horns and all.

Using their best Nancy Drew -Sherlock Holmes methods, the rangers solved the mystery of the monthly murders. One of the first clues was that he wounds had been caused by long sharp objects not gunshots. The murderers were pachyderms- young, aggressive bull elephants that killed the rhinos by kneeling on them after knocking them down.

The curious theory behind these murders should give on reasons to think. Granted the theory is not proven -- but it is interesting. The elephants may be depraved. As young elephants, they were removed from their slaughtered parents during a culling operations in the Kruger National Park and relocated to establish elephant populations in parks and private reserves throughout the country. The good news was the populations of the elephants was preserved. The bad news may be that usually elephants are raised in tight knit groups and this close connection was severed. Since 1978, almost 1500 orphan calves, 600 of them males, have been moved to unfamiliar locations and raised with no exposure to adult elephants or the hierarchical social structure that defines elephant life. Marian Garai, a Swiss-born zoologist says that normally a dominant older male elephant is around to keep young bulls in line. The displaced calves have no role models. This may have had a profound effect on the elephants’ psychology.

Park rangers brought in two adult female circus elephants to the Pilanesberg Park and the young elephants settled down. Next year, a few 40 year old bull elephants will be moved to the area to add their wisdom and support. Now entire families of elephants are moved. No longer in the culling are the young separated from the parents.

There are lessons for us who are curious enough to pay attention. Maybe youngsters of all types need time with adults? Maybe it isn’t healthy to have three year olds guiding three year olds. Maybe too many 7th graders on their own is asking for trouble? Maybe with out clear guidelines and connections our young will run rampant through the South African park or the streets depending on your location. A recent Star Tribune article focused on the increasing numbers of children joining gangs. Authors David Chanen and Terry Collins ended the lengthy column by commenting on how parents are not taking an active interest in their children's lives. I believe it is Rollo May who said, when one’s sense of self worth and self esteem is threatened, individuals resort to acts of violence.

Two friends from Minnetonka High died in a terrible car crash recently. In the Star Tribune story by Tom Ford he stated that adults held hands and made a human circle around the students who were mourning for deaths. Both parents and students were grieving. However the adults seemed to have created a protective circle around the young. Generational connections can not be maintained and nurtured via instant messaging. .
Our future depends on adults who recognize the importance of being present, predictable and and accountable.

Running Lessons

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Mon, 29 Oct 2007 11:10:00 +0000

Running Lessons

David Walsh, recently interviewed by Bill Moyers on public television, believes that children learn through observation and then they imitate what they’ve observed. He is often quoted by local media as a thoughtful and concerned physician worried about violence. Times are changing. Home, community, and societal values used to be synchronized as to what was best for children. If Walsh is right, we should consider what we are putting into our children's learning experiences. What are they observing? What does it mean to be a grown up? What messages are we sharing with children about being an adult? What are modeling regarding commitment and responsibility?

I have been surprised by the many lessons our children learned from their running mother. I remember training for my first marathon. Heather once said, “Mom when you leave for a long run you look like Kathryn Hepburn. But when you come back you look more like Henry Fonda.” My appearance change was the result of those long training runs that usually took all of Saturday morning. I remember going to grocery stores in the afternoon barely able to move the cart. Heather helped push the cart as I studied which bread and milk to purchase.

There were many evenings when I was the only parent home. I would have the girls turn on the front porch light and I would run up and down the street. If they needed me, I could easily be contacted by flicking the light. They often encouraged me to go for a run as my attitude improved after a few miles.

During their growing up years I found running a quiet place where I could realign my thinking. I could listen to my breathing and reconnect with the calm, mature mother I wanted to be. Trying to be an attentive able parent could on occasion result in an exhausted, too loud – too worried woman. Running helped me find inner peace. I have kept the following quote tucked safely in drawer for years

I congratulate the long distance runner for his self-discipline.
I share with him his loneliness. I envy him his peace. Pierre Trudeau

Trudeau was trying to run Canada at the time. I found running a household equally as challenging. I resonated to the use of loneliness, self-discipline, and peace. I know being the parent I wanted to be required self-discipline and was often lonely. Our daughters are fine able mothers today. They do a fine job raising four amazing grandchildren. I have noted however, they both run. They too have learned the value of taking time to “get away” and regroup. They need to become the mothers they want to be. They too are trying to create a home of connections, communication and commitment. They watched their mother struggle. They too are finding their way with running shoes, sweaty socks and sunblock. They too are learning life lessons on the road.

Jack's Run - Lesson in Courage and Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 02:28:00 +0000

Traditionally, grandchildren pick up life lessons from their grandparents.
This grandmother is learning the power of courage and hope from her beloved Jack.

My daughter visited Jack’s kindergarten to share a book, as she always does. The story is about Leo the Late Bloomer, a tiger that learns lessons and skills when Leo is ready to learn. Leo “blooms” with new skills and new understandings. Jack’s mother quietly discussed learning and blooming and understanding new connections. She encouraged the eager five and six year olds to consider how they had bloomed in their first year of school. Then she passed out pieces of paper cut in a tulip shape. The plan was for students to draw something he or she had learned in kindergarten creating a garden of all their tulips together displaying the kindergarten’s blooming successes.

Returning to their desks with the tulips, the little ones concentrated, heads bent over their illustrations, then returned to the reading circle to share the accomplishments they’d thought of. One little boy could write all the numbers from one to one hundred. Another could tie his own shoes. A girl had filled her tulip with neat addition problems like 2+2=4 and 3+3=6. A beaming child proudly displayed his tulip filled with all the letters of the alphabet. Then came Jack’s turn.

His drawing was complicated. It showed a boy in a hospital bed by an IV pole with tubes from the bag running to a port implanted in the boy’s chest. Next to the bed, a woman in a chair, wearing a purple sweater, was reading a book. Jack said, “This is me getting my infusion treatment every Monday. This is my mother next to me. She comes every Monday and reads to me. This year I learned courage.”

In 2005, Jack was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition, called Hunter Syndrome, or MPS II, one of the disorders of mucopolysaccharidosis that inhibits enzyme production and affects vital organs, nerves, bones, and such functions as respiration, hearing, and joint movement—scary stuff. Jack has been responding well to a new treatment that became available less than a year ago. Although no cure is known yet, Jack’s physical improvement is actually noticeable, and we’re hopeful.

Last year friends and family organized a wonderful event called “Jack’s Run” to raise awareness and funds for research.The second annual Jack’s Run, for the hundreds of children like Jack waiting for treatment and hoping for a cure, will be in Eden Prairie on September 22, 2007. Online registration for the run is at www.jacksrunformps.org. or contact aldenpope@msn.com for information.

Jack turned seven in June, and has taught his grandmother, and many others, some important grown-up lessons about courage, determination, and love of life. Regardless of the evidence, I’ve held fast to hope. Seeing the evidence changing feels like quite a blessing.

Toys Are Not Us

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 20:37:00 +0000

There seems to be rancor between adults who care for and about children. The battle lines are drawn about whether to play or not and what toys are helpful, harmful, unnecessary and or a must have. Elkind has written an interesting book about the Power of Play. He was concerned about toys long before the recent recall due to lead paint coatings. Children have always learned something from the toys with which they play. The lessons today are different. Toys use to teach manners, morals and social roles. Today toys are automated, micro chip or battery run. Industry analysts estimate that at least 75% of toys arriving for holiday consumption will have embedded computer chips. These are not toys that can be taken a part to comprehend the inner workings. Many are not toys with which a child does something. These toys seem to have lives of their own. Standord Univeristy students are equired to play with erector sets to learn how things work and are connected.

Toy play can encourage imaginative and fantasy play. I remember a cardboard box a fine teacher used in her classroom. One day the box was a train. Later in the week it morphed into an ocean liner. Children eagerly entered the classroom to discover what had happened to the large cardboard box over night. Wonderful interactions took place inside the ever-changing box. Today children have so many toys they barely have time to figure out the possibilities. Why so many? Toys use to arrive at holdays and on birthdays. The rest of the year was about playing with the toys one had and thinking about toys that might arrive under the tree months away. Now toys are everywhere. Museums, drugstores, grocery stores, restaurants, zoos, parks and convenience stores have a thriving toy section. Toys are part of movie and food promotion. Seems to me toys today are teaching consumerism and children are the target audience. Toys accompany films and fast food. What the characters do often determines what the child can do. I wonder about young children's plastic heroes. Do they know about picnics? Do they go to the library? What about family dinner? What are they teaching little ones about what to do with time?
Fantasy and imaginative play occurs in the early childhood years. Since children spend so much time in front of screens of some sort, there is little time for exercising their predisposition for fantasy, imagination, and creativity. These are the mental tools later required for higher levels of math and science.

A Parent Education Newsletter said it best!
Remember that play should:
Be controlled by the child
Paced by the child
Emphasize process rather than product
Be messy at times
Use mostly toys, which require 90% input from the child and 10% input from the toy.

The large cardboard box prepared children for physics, calculus and algebra. Children are learning all of the time. I think there is value in choosing toys that are not battery run or need a power source. Children learn about themselves and the world through their interactions with people and things. What lessons are you teaching with your toy puchase dollars?

Animal Truths Make Good Sense

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 19:36:00 +0000

People who dislike cats have told me that cats will come directly to them in a crowded room. Cats seem to know.

As a child, I rode a horse on a trail ride. I had read every book there ever was about horses. I had loved King of the Wind, Black Beauty, and Star. As I was on my first horse fulfilling every dream I had had as a child, I realized I was terrified. The horse broke free from the orderly horse line, and bounded across an empty field. I hung on swamped in my personal fear. The horse knew.

One day, I returned home quite late. I had left at 7:00 AM and managed to fill my day with complex job expectations. I finally got home weary and tired. Sam, our golden retriever, and I had a regular routine. Usually, I came home at an ok time, strapped on my running shoes and Sam and I would take off. We would lope through the neighborhoods. On the evening I returned home so late, Sam had not eaten dinner. He had pushed open the hall closet, and removed one of my running shoes and placed in the middle of the dining room floor. He had taken my second running shoe and placed in downstairs in the middle of the family room floor. In order to do this, he had selected from tennis shoes, boots, and other running shoes that belong to other family members. He chose mine to make a point. The dog knew.

Why is it if animals are so smart we believe that children don’t get it? Why do we not recognize they can and will thrive if assured that we as adults believe in them? Believe that they can think, be competent, and can be instrumental to determining the course of their lives. We need to start trusting them early. When it comes to brains and ability I never met a kid that wasn’t smarter then any dog. I have never met a child who wasn’t more in need of attention than any cat. I have never met a child who isn’t smart enough to sense there is something right or wrong here. Children are capable. Why do we continue to discount them? Children thrive when they are trusted, encouraged to make decisions, and reassured with a consistent structure of rules and limits. Children thrive when they are respected and valued as individuals. Too often adults focus on filling toy chests. Taking time to refuel the spirit provides energy and hope for the adventure of growing up.

Who's Responsible? Mr Rogers? Mom? Dad?

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 13:59:00 +0000

A lead article in the Wall Street Journal by Jeffrey Zaslow is entitled, “ Blame It on Mr. Rogers: Why Young Adults Feel So Entitled.” Blame, in my dictionary uses words like censure, find fault with and reproach as a definition. I found it to be a strong statement about Mr. Rogers. Zaslow writes about college students demanding A’s, and the rise of narcissism due to excessive doting resulting in too many children who are rude, self-absorbed or disrespectful. He complains about parents saying, “Well, they’re just children.” A child psychiatrist, Alvin Rosenfeld, is quoted as saying it is crucial to talk to kids about their lives, and that dialogue can enrich the whole family. Dr. Rosenfeld encourages parents to talk about their own lives as well.

I think that is exactly what Mr. Rogers did. Mr. Roger not only listened to children, he told them about his day, his friends, his plans, and his problems. He talked about courage, love and discipline. For many children, Mr. Rogers was the only adult who did communicate.

I agree that we have young adults who feel entitled. I have watched children who have parents who try to be their best friends instead of being a friendly adult in the lives of children. David Walsh has a new book out called “NO.” Copies are flying off the shelves. Parents are excited to have permission to say no to their children. Good news travels fast!

Mr. Rogers is not the culprit. Children need consistent, present and predictable adults in their lives. Mr. Rogers was all of that, but he was only present 30 minutes a day. Although his message was important time with Mr. Rogers was minimal compared to time children should have been spending with caring live adults in their homes. He was clear that what mattered in life were not honors or prizes, but being trusted. His lessons were based in positive core values, compassion, and care. His message was not about hurrahs for actions done. He liked children for being there… not because of what they did.

I miss the quiet man in a sweater. I miss his messages during difficult times. Our young adults today might have been better off if their parents had joined them while watching Mr. Rogers. Mr. Rogers told children that they were loved - no matter what. He did not tell them do what ever they wanted - no matter what. He never said expect everything to come your way - no matter what. Mr. Rogers was a longed for parent for many who had parents who were too busy to be present, to reassure, and be stewards of relationships that mattered.

Picture Albums vs Video

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 21:39:00 +0000

As I look back on the journey our family is on, I know some things we have done that are really smart. We also know steps we took that were foolish. I remember worrying about Heather putting the Fisher-Price farm animals in the Fisher-Price school. I wondered how she could ever learn to read if she was confused about where cows go. I remember being concerned about her skipping. I took her to art class too early. She has been disinterested in drawing ever since. First borns really are in a tough place. Somewhere along the way, I discovered she was doing quite well. Her mother, on the other hand, was learning life lessons from a pro.

The other day I overheard a mother say, "We are catching every moment on a video." I wonder about that. Will videos provide the connecting and the sweetness of time so valued in my home with picture albums? I did do picture albums. Both children have a baby book. We all have family albums that have accumulated through the years. This is something smart I did. They should have been made from steel..... but they are grand. Some have corners chewed from puppies who were aging too slowly in our home. Others have had their pages turned so often, they are a little loose in the hinges. Through the years, during times of transitions, from nursery school to elementary, from junior high to high school, friends and acquaintances were invited over to stare at the picture albums. There were giggles. The pictures of Dave and I before children always bring squeals of laughter. My hair was funny. In quiet moments, each one of us can go down and regroup, remember, and review shared moments.

My children are older now. Moments together are always noted, always celebrated. Our lives are busy and our days are filled with traffic and different zip codes. The picture albums are still there. They record our adventures. I can look through them at a leisure pace. I can stop and recall the camping trip where we finally just zipped Elizabeth in the tent with us and went to sleep. Now she is planning a trip to London to attend a wedding. Her sons will stay with us and camp in the yard. We will take photos.

Picture albums give you time. Videos select their own time and pace. Take a few moments with glue and paper this summer. Invest some time to record this remarkable journey called "parenting" to savor in your future. Picture albums remind each family member they have been included in important moments. Too often we only notice growth and change when pajamas are too short.

Hit it, GIRL!

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 21:16:00 +0000

By Dr. Ada Alden CFLE

Running stories bring humor, empathy, endurance and compassion to the smelly socks, shorts and shirts that too are part of the sport.

This weekend I was running with my daughter who was pushing her three year old in a running jogger. My son in law was loping along pushing the one year old who likes to be first. I am sure the five of us made an interesting picture as we ran around the golf course over hill and dale. Alison thought we looked like a parade. Our daughter Heather shared how she often takes the three year old out on a run. Alison acts as a coxswain. You may recall, the coxswain sits in the back of a sculling boat and shouts orders at the rowing team. Alison sits in the jogger as her mother pushes her. Alison is loud, able and enthusiastic. The route is hilly and often she sings along as her mother puffs up the hills. “ I think you can. I think you can.” She is clever and continues to support on the downhill calling out “ I knew you could. I knew you could.” The other day it was hot and Alison was not pleased with her mother’s speed. Out of the blue, Alison called out, “ Hit it, GIRL!” Dutifully our daughter picked up the speed and laughed all the way home.

In my dictionary, a coxswain is the steersman of a racing shell or the seaman in charge of a ship’s boat in the absence of an officer. There are days when I need a coxswain to help move me along. I need someone who calls out with a concise clear tone of voice providing both encouragement and a jump-start. It is during those times when I am not in the mood and a certain sluggishness has seeped into my outlook, I strap on my running shoes and hear Alison’s clarion call. “ Hit It! Grandma!

Newsletter #7 - Gang Membership

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 18 May 2007 16:00:00 +0000

I have been thinking about gangs. I happen to know there has been a dramatic increase in gang involvement throughout the state. People used to think that gangs were inner city phenomena. Not true. Although we know gang membership comes with a price. Truth is the benefits quite often outweigh the negative accoutrements. Gangs offer acceptance. Once you are in you are in. Gang members like you just the way you are.

Gangs offer a clear sense of belonging. You not only are accepted in the gang you are considered one of us. I always liked the song in Oliver where the family dances around and sings, “Consider yourself at home. Consider yourself part of the family." A gang does that with balloons and whistles. Gang members wonder where you are, how you are, and when you will be back. Another song from Oliver does that well too. “You can go, but come back soon.”

Gangs offer fun. Events are planned together with great care and structure. Gangs have clear rules and limits. Everyone knows what is expected. Everyone knows how to behave and what outfit should be worn. Gangs provide members a sense of power and they model good gang behavior. Gangs move well in unison. Gang members have spoken eloquently about feeling emotionally safe when other gang members are around. Too often a sense of isolation and loneliness seeps in to one’s bone marrow. Gangs help alleviate that depression. Gangs assure a member that you are important enough to be part of the group.

From what I have read, the best way to extinguish the power innate to a gang is to get rid of the gang leadership. Get rid of the ones who make the rules, model the behavior, and assure all members they are needed, valued and significant. Without the leaders, members wander disconnected.

Licensed parent educators share strategies with parents to assure that family members belong, are clear on rules and limits, and are accepted for who and how they are. Good parent education is about family connections at the kitchen table and being intentional about routines and rituals. Louis Gonzales, Ph.D. said, “Gangs tend to be less attractive to a child who gets those needs met at home. The family has to be the better gang.” Children that live in a home with parents who understand their leadership role, provide reassurance, acceptance and emotional sustenance for all, will be happy to spend time in the family room. Good parent education really encourages parents to be strong and persistent gang leaders.

Newsletter #6 - Fickle Friendships

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 18 May 2007 15:59:00 +0000

I received an amaryllis as a gift this year. I have been watching it for months. For those unfamiliar with an amaryllis, they arrive in a pot of dirt and don’t look like much. They continue to look poorly for quite awhile. Ever so slowly, a green shoot emerges. With some drama, the shoot becomes a towering stalk. Usually there are four or five amazing trumpet shaped flowers. My amaryllis was spectacular. The colors were bright reds striped with a white. Another bulb had burnt orange flowers that added breathtaking color to the quiet clay pot in which it was housed. I had it in the kitchen window where it literally received ohs and ahs from family members. I could sit at the kitchen table and almost watch the blossoms unfurl. I came home one day from work and the flowers trumpeted a welcome. I remember gasping at how busy the flower had been in my absence. I was so impressed with the amaryllis I took pictures of it.

It has been a couple of months now. The tired blooms have drooped. Although one more stalk is going to bloom, the excitement, the fervor has waned. As I look at the amaryllis, I noted some friendships are just like it. Some friendships don’t look like much at first, and then suddenly there is rush of color, laughter, shared moments and celebrations. Some friendships feel so special that they expunge a quiet loneliness often present in my everyday. Yet, too often they wither. Too often just like the amaryllis, the splash of color disappears and I have been left with a sense of abandonment that accompanies the ending of relationships.

I don’t understand friendships very well. I will say the wild ride of the amaryllis sure is fun…For me, I do better with philodendron type relationships that survive. I have two philodendrons that just keep on keeping on. They seem happy to be watered, but don’t get crabby if I miss a week. They are quiet and provide a lush green to some of the corners of our home. I never come home to see how it is doing. It just does. Dr. Doris Kreisman says. “To have a true friendship, you have to do more than exchange cards or call each other once a year. There has to be some continued support and attention: otherwise the relationship is a sentimental attachment rather than a true friendship." Friendships can not be just once a year valentines—once a year splashy moments. I certainly have been attached to my amaryllis, but I know it will eventually return to not looking like much. Philodendron friendships may not look like much, but they aren’t fickle or quick to fade. The fiery reds and oranges live in memory, but it is the quiet green philodendrons that endure and sustain.

Newsletter #5 - Emerging Butterflies

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 18 May 2007 15:59:00 +0000

I believe many lessons are learned during difficult times. I often have said during times of turmoil, “My, we are going to learn from this.” We learn from frustration and pain. Without struggle we become weak, unsure and eventually without clarity of vision.

A fine illustration comes from a story told by Catherine Feste who wrote the book The Physician Within. The story is about a man who raised butterflies as a hobby. He was so touched by the difficulties they had in emerging from the cocoon that once, out of mistaken kindness, he split a cocoon with his thumbnail so that the tine inmate could escape without a struggle. That butterfly was never able to use its wings.

When Heather graduated, the 3,000 who attended commencement cheered, smiled, and congratulated their own butterflies. As Heather strode confidently across the stage, I remembered the years she had shoved against us, checking to see if we really meant “no.” I recalled saying “We don’t do it that way. Our value system will not allow that to happen. It is our way to have conversations during dinner not stare at a screen. It is our way to lift a candle at dinner even if it isn’t Thanksgiving.” We have spent a million hours holding steady. We have disagreed, shouted, cried and hugged. We have always avoided silence. We kept saying “We believe in you. We are here for you. We cannot let that happen. Not until you finish your chores. You will be responsible for that debt. Not until your homework is finished. We realize others don’t have to…but you do.”

Parenting is a constant reevaluation of the ever-changing cocoon. Children emerge from many cocoons as they age. The parent’s job is to pay attention to each stage and cherish the ever-changing flight patterns. Many of us at the graduation were wearing freshly starched shirts covering up our well-used, well-worn cocoon structures. Our children were glorious in their flight, however.

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Newsletter #4 - Personal coaching for muddled teens?

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 18 May 2007 15:49:00 +0000

A Star Tribune headline caught my eye. –Personal coaching for muddled teens?

Parents who are worried about struggling teens can hire a personal coach to ease the adolescent journey. This I am sure is a new and burgeoning job opportunity. Although the qualifications are unclear, I imagine some are at their wits end, and such a hireling could appear to be an answer. I am skeptical however. I don’t know that a personal trainer can help a struggling adolescent who is need of inner assurance, inner self direction and inner acceptance. I do know that such strengths emerge when a personal trainer is a part of child’s growing up. I watched a father walk his child into the Family Center this morning. They were holding hands as they gingerly crossed the icy tundra of our parking lot. I think if asked, he would have said, he was his daughter’s personal trainer and coach. When Elizabeth was young, she heard about a young girl who received $1000 to buy clothes for school. The mother had encouraged her to bring back a few hundred dollars. Elizabeth was thrilled. I told her to forget it. She had me. Together we would figure out the maze of school shopping. Through the years, I kept showing up. I needed to know how she came and went from school events. I attended all of the school conferences with her. She didn’t like that much. I told her I had to go as it was in my parent job description. I needed to meet the young men picking her up on a Friday night. I needed to have her attend family events. I needed both children to attend Family Meetings and participate in our family work. They hoped I would tire of this. I did. My children got in the way of my life. I however kept showing up. Truth was they were teaching me about life.

Parents need to be there for their children from the beginning. Parents are "strong"at home teachers "strong" coaches and personal trainers. Parents need to help children learn how to follow instructions, deal with frustration, trial and error. Home, according to Harriet Beecher Stowe, is the back room, the learning rehearsal place for much of life’s front stage events. Home is where winning and losing are practiced. Home is where lessons about I love you no matter what and care, persistence and loyalty are modeled. At the table in the home, teaching thank you and please is what a parent personal trainer does. In the home, room clean up, homework finishing and birthday parties are a part of family living. The home is the work out room- the training center for the rest of your life.

Good parent coaches talk about clear expectations, and assure routines are part of everyday. Good parent coaches encourage their children in the face of both success and failure. An available top-notch trainer as a child is growing up establishes a positive climate where children feel warmth, acceptance and support. Mark Swiggum, an excellent teacher, believes the most important piece of furniture in the home should be a round wooden table with enough chairs for every family member to sit. This is the table where discussions about the tough stuff occur. This is the table where prayers, I love you and I am scared can be shared. The more time spent around such a table, the less time would be needed in the yellow pages trying to find a personal coach for a muddled teenager. Children who sit at tables with caring adults believe they are not alone. A personal trainer arrived the day they were born and signed up for the long haul. Now that should be every child’s birthright. No outsider need apply.

Newsletter #3 - A Quilting Class for Memories

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 18 May 2007 15:48:00 +0000

Probably the most difficult job for parents is to keep the home’s rituals and routines ongoing. These routines need to happen all week long for young children. Routines that happen only on Monday and Tuesday aren’t routines. Children need something in their life that is constant. Children thrive when there are some things they can count on. Children who live without routine or rituals struggle with change and experience stress. Routines can be an every night bedtime story, sitting in the same chairs at dinner, a 5 minute chat, dinner with the television off and a kiss goodnight. Consistent guidance in the form of bedtime, mealtime, naptime and clean up routines act as an anchor point in a child’s ever changing world. A parent’s job is to keep and maintain these routines. A parent provides care, answers questions, manages the house, enforces limits and cares about family members. A child’s job is to learn, ask questions, keep on trying, follow the rules, communicate needs and listen. Parents and children routinely need to hug, laugh, and assure one another they belong and are loved. Learning and following the home routines will help a child grow up with an inner sense of security. A parent’s job is to be friendly with their child. It is not to be their child’s friend.

What science tells us is that nurturing and stable relationships with caring adults are essential to healthy human development beginning from birth. Early secure attachments contribute to the growth of a broad range of competencies, including a love of learning, a comfortable sense of oneself, positive social skills, and multiple successful relationships at later ages, and a sophisticated understanding of emotions, commitment, morality, and other aspects of human relationships.

Ruth Reardon’s poem is a helpful things to do list for parents:
CREATE A QUILT OF MEMORIES
to keep me warm.
An inner warmth that comes
from light of happy times.
Weave in the thread of holidays,
of friends and families…
Delights of seashore, fields,
of city parks.
The simplest happenings
traced out in love
become a pattern,
for my quilt of memories.

We learn how to drive cars before a license is issued. Professionals are trained to cut hair, repair cars, provide medical care, and teach school. Brick layers work years as an apprentice and computer wizards attend many sessions to learn about upgrades and software application. Let’s recognize the importance of being available to our children. Children need adults in their lives. Children do not need stuff.

Newsletter #2 - Fall Resolutions

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 18 May 2007 15:46:00 +0000

New Year resolutions can be any time. I believe fall is a fine time to plan to make a change. Fall always feels like change to me. I have always moved internally and believed September is a time for reevaluation. January never has felt like a beginning to me. Maybe it is too cold in January to begin? September is a time for school, new socks, and new colors and new connecting. Calendars fill up with new schedules, rakes come out of the rafters and festive foliage replaces mosquito repellant. This fall I would hope each of us is able to make emotional connections with those whose pictures are on the mantel. Too often people we care about are just that.... pictures on the mantel-or in the family album. I wonder how well we connect with one another as family members on a daily basis. In a movie I saw this summer the actress said, “It does not take more energy to be pleasant. Being kind is not more difficult that being crabby. I believe we need to value family stories, family discussions and shared events.

This summer, I attended family gatherings where people clutched at memories and pictures of a suddenly dead loved one. A young woman had been snuffed from their lives by a drunken driver. No one had time to say good by. Life is short. Life is to be celebrated. Life should not be one of "regrets"and "I wish I had saids." This fall--- take time to build memories, take time for hugs, and spend time with those whose pictures are on the mantel.

Parent Question: Now that school has started, our bedtime routine is unclear. During the summer there was no need for a bedtime ritual. Now our mornings are rushed and quite often filled with unhappy faces and angry words.

Ada's Response: Children thrive when parents implement clear and predictable procedures. Children learn over time that wearing a seat belt is always required. Applying a similar approach to bedtime procedures will ease school day tensions. Parents need to take a leadership role and determine a bed time routine that is followed during the school week. The routine needs to be consistent. Select a way that it is always done and stick to it. At our house, teeth were brushed, a story was read and children were put in bed. A regular bedtime routine also includes a time one needs to get up to prepare for school. Purchase a clock for the child to learn how to get up. Be sure there is enough time in the morning for “Have a good day in school.” I would recommend every morning saying to your child, “I love being your mom.” “I love being your dad.” Avoid sending your child to school running on emotional empty.

Newsletter #1 - Don’t Let the Summer Slip By

noreply@blogger.com (Ada) — Fri, 18 May 2007 15:44:00 +0000

Kids only spend 9% of their time in school. But they can spend 100% of their time learning.
University of Minnesota

For children the teachings of their parents will always be the core.Pestalozzi

Summer arrives as a tasty package. Watermelons, peaches, apricots, and ice cream cones cheer it. Summer is lemonade and sandwiches. When my children were young, we used to have lunch under a grape arbor in our yard. I believe there was one summer that we did that almost every day. They still talk about that elegant lunch location. Walks in the summer should be required. Walks in neighborhoods and near by parks allow time for discovery and conversations. Summer is a good time for family sharing in family work. Such experiences teach belonging and promote a sense of competence. Consider a calendar for June, July, and August where the family carefully charts out "fun" moments. Trips to local gardens, parks, specialty bakeries, the zoo, the Farmer's Market will brighten a child's eyes. More importantly, such trips will stick in your memory. I would spend all summer avoiding anything that ran with a battery, was plugged in or needed a power pack.

A recent newspaper article stated that children are spending an average of 4 1/2 hours each day sitting in front of electronic screens in their homes absorbing television, games and computer programming. The proliferation of new media continues to transform the environment in American homes. I am reminded of Bill Moyers who said our children are being raised by appliances. I don't believe this flood of technology provides adequate skills for children who need to experience empathy, connecting with others, and the core values of respect, integrity, and responsibility. Someday, when your children are tall and planning their own calendars, as a parent you'll catch yourself wondering where did the time go? How did they get so tall? How did the time flash by? Catch moments like beads on a necklace. Celebrate this time without mittens and heavy jackets. This summer be an involved and connected parent. Children who spend time with their parents have higher grades, better school attendance, fewer placements in special education and more positive attitudes and behaviors. The family makes critical contributions to student achievement from early childhood through high school. Gently unwrap the lovely hours of summer 2005. Don't let it slip by.

Parent Question: We have two boys 6 and 8. My husband would like to buy them a PlayStation and a kid’s cell phone. How can I talk him out of this? I am concerned about too much technology.

Ada 's Response : Your question has many layers. I share your too much technology concern. However, I am not sure what too much is. My too much might be someone else's too little. Given the age of your children, I believe I would implement a teaching opportunity. Your children are the right age to practice decision making, learn money management, and develop at home leadership skills. Regular family meetings with clear agendas that include money management discussions and clarification of the “Anderson- or Sanchez or Smith Way" would establish time for necessary conversations about needs and wants. Allowances are to teach money management. Children today are not learning dollar and cents skills. They are being raised with a plastic card - charge it attitude. Allowances based on learning, not on chores done, teach spending, saving and item selection. Children eventually learn to save items they want. It is too quick and easy to buy stuff for our children ignoring the lesson opportunity.
In my book, Parenting on Purpose: Red Yellow Green Framework for Respectful Discipline I spend quite a bit of time on family meetings. I believe the "Anderson- Smith - _______Way" comprise the Red and Green guidelines for your family. Within those parameters, discussions about what is too much technology etc. could be clarified.

It is not unusual for parents to disagree. What is needed is time for parents to clarify needs and wants. We had important conversations about money and selective purchasing. Why does your husband feel your children need PlayStations and cell phones? Discussions about buying, spending, and saving are critical at the kitchen table. Developing these skills during the elementary years assures better decision making and problem solving during adolescence. Why Parents Disagree is a helpful book. Consumer Reports for Kids is a helpful magazine. I do know your children are the right age for family meetings. I do know having such discussions and regular meetings promotes communication, connection and a sense of belonging.